AKOTSK written by Condal & Hess
A long while ago I wrote a shitpost about how Robert's Rebellion would look like if it was written by Condal and Hess and their wonderful ideas that they so graciously implemented in HOTD. Here is a sequel about AKOTSK written by Condal.
So Dunk is even dumber than in the original version because he's a big man and that's bad bad bad. And he's also much much hornier, so he will be sexually humiliated in every episode just because. He also has a RAGING mommy issues. He feels attracted to Tanselle only because she looks like a spitting image of his mother. The night before the trial, he actually has a dream where he is visited by his mother and has a juicy sex with her. After that it's revealed it was actually Tanselle who magically sneaked into his cell and drugged him with Harrenhal shrooms and raped him.
Egg is a tertiary character at best, since Cond0m hates working with child actors. He might as well be completly replaced by CGI who knows. He shall be a very annoying kid and not this cute beloved daring stable boy we all want to hug and protect. Egg existing has absolutely no impact on Dunk's story or the story at large whatsoever. Half of the audience probably don't even remember his name.
Ser Arlan of Pennytree never actually existed. He is a fragment of Dunk's imagination because he has not only mommy, but daddy issues too.
Lyonel Baratheon, despite being called Laughing Storm, doesn't laugh once in the entire series. He's actually chronically depressed grumpy bigot who is a closeted homosexual, but hates himself for it and so he's also a raging homophobe. He later overcomes his homophobia after having a completly random vision where he has a threesome with Dunk and Raymun.
Raymun Fossoway is gay too. He doesn't support Dunk as a friend but because he loves him. There is also this completly unnecessary Dunk x Lyonel x Raymun love triangle, but Dunk is too dumb to notice any of this. Also, Raymun is proven to be wrong for his Targphobia because no one can attack our precious incestoid lizards.
Tanselle is significantly aged up in this version to feed Dunk's mommy issues. She is this clever witty indepented feminist badass bitch who needs no man. Her drug-raping of Dunk is shown as a comedy. She is also a mouthpiece of the writers, constantly spewing some 21st century politically correct nonsense. She has a much larger role than in the books, because book story is way too masculine coded and that's toxic patriarchy n shit. She also has this random lesbian situationship with aged-up Lady Ashford just because.
Aerion isn't actually monster, just misunderstood victim of his abusive father. You see, he somehow knows about Aegon's prophecy and all he does is in service of this. Yes, he did try to cut off Egg's genitalia, but that was because he misses his mommy, poor boy. He also never intended to harm Tanselle, he just wanted to teach her a lesson or shit, but idiot Dunk misunderstood and attacked him.
Daeron the Drunk is cut from the story completly. Too expensive.
Steffon Fossoway does appear but he randomly tries to rape Tanselle out of nowhere.
Baelor Breakspear is too beloved by the audiences and that cannot happen, so he is just randomly shown to be rape apologist. When he arrives in Ashford, there is a huge stampede where like 500 peasants die for shock value and then this shit never gets mentioned again. He also has silver hair, because he's supposed to be a Targaryen and our audience are a bunch of dumb fucks who would be confused by this. Him having dark hair was just Dornish propaganda or sum.
Maekar is ultimate bad guy. Evil patriarchal racist sexist homophobic villain who abuses his children including Aerion. You see, Aerion doesn't actually want Dunk to be punished for attacking him, it's Maekar who forces him! Maekar also randomly mentions his great ancestor Rhaenyra, but calls her a whore and a usurper, so the audiences clearly know how evil Maekar is.
So the Trial of Seven happens completly offscreen. We don't need to see that shit, too expensive. Instead, we get a full episode of Tanselle x Lady Ashford sapphic backstory.
Baelor decides to fight for Dunk not because he sees him as a true knight, but because Baelor is this beacon of American progressivism in evil conservative Westeros and Dunk has TWO gays fighting for him.
Baelor dies but his death happens offscreen like the whole trial itself. Later, it's revealed that his death was not accidental, but was actually orchestrated by our guy-for-Trump Maekar and Lord Ashford to stop progressive reforms and keep conservative patriarchy as Westerosi status quo.
In the end, Dunk actually really kidnaps Egg this time to save him from his abusive father and vows to raise him as a progressive to continue Baelor-Rhaenyra legacy.
THE END 🌈