I was looking for something, and I stumbled across an image of a drawing I drew years ago. Almost instantly started crying. Im a digital artist and I used to draw everyday, now I haven't drawn in months. I just hope when I get my ect done, things turn around for me, even if I lose my memories.
My parents want to take me to the psych ward because Im not playing pretend
Ever since my mental breakdown a month ago Ive been barely speaking to them
Mainly because Im at my absolute worst right now and because I just seriously cant do anything
I havent done my college work in a month so thats also making me feel like complete garbage
Normally by now I'd start talking again and pretend to be fine but since Im not going by that usual pattern theyre not happy
Main issue is I guess because Im not following them to church on wednesdays and sundays
And since I havent went in a month now because I stopped pretending to be fine, they keep telling me "this is our life you have to serve god" and everytime they say that I feel like Im suffocating in real time
To make matters worse my grandma is coming on tuesday so I guess me not going "back to normal" in time for that is also making them threaten me with the psych ward, which hurts a lot because they are painfully aware of how horrible my last experience there was
As for the ECT, they keep telling me if Im too sad or something the doctors wont do it for me even though my psychiatrist agreed to do it exactly because of how depressed I am
As for how I've been coping, Ive just been reading yaoi, something thats against my religion and would probably make my parents beat me for the first time in years and then take away my phone if they found out I've been reading it
Oh yeah, forgot that my brother, whos also very mental, gives me severe heart palpitations just being in the same area as him, so I just stay in my room, which also makes my parents upset
So overall, this rotten existence has been very enjoyable