u/EmptyJoySadness

Im 37 and I’m grieving from a death of a loved one. Before that I was resigned that I will never get married or probably not gonna have a bf again.

And now I crave sex, touching, everything. Like all the time, but it shoots a lot on my ovulating days. Like more than the time I broke up with my ex. Probably because my daughter is alive then. If I need a hug I just hug her. Now that she’s dead its nothing but pillows and stuffies for me. It makes it extra lonely at night.

Now I imagine people naked randomly- on the jeep or the LRT. I love sexting, I sometimes do it in the office. I finger myself when there’s downtime at work.I do have a toy but now it doesn’t keep me sarisfied anymore. Wala pa namang meetup na nangyayari because Im always tired/sleepy but this bothers me.

I wonder if you can really fuck the pain out of someone. I really miss touching and feeling another’s warmth before I sleep. Its embarrassing and I haven’t admitted this to anyone.

I am so, so angry. The kind of anger that makes you shout. It travels from your core to your neck. It makes my knees and my hands shake. It makes me cry.

My only child died from dengue last February. She was just 7 years old. So young, so lively, so sassy in her comments. Kind to everyone. An honor student. She was the only one who loves me for being me, not because of what I can give her but because I am me.

And yet my family BLAMES ME- HER MOTHER, of her death. Nabasa ko sa mga gc nila sa fb today nung naiwan ng nanay ko phone nya. Kasalanan ko daw bakit sya namatay. Kasi daw hindi ko daw pinilit yung doctor na magpagawa ng lab tests nya kahit walang lagnat sunday pa lang.

Kasi daw hindi ko agad sinugod sa ospital nung first night na nilagnat. Ang tanga ko daw, napakairesponsable ko. Kinausap at siniraan pa nila ako sa duktor na tumingin sa anak ko sa emergency room (my sister previously worked at that hospital as a nurse and she was asking updates from the doctors too). Isang beses lang ako nagkamali ng pagrecite ng events sinabihan ako ng Doctor na wala daw akong alam sa anak ko.

Yung nanay ko mali mali ang info na sinasabi sa family- wala daw akong HMO kaya wala daw magbabayad eh meron naman. Ilang weeks na daw yung ubo ng bata, eh 1 week pa lang yun gusto na nya uminom ng mga antibiotic. Nagrereklamo na sya daw naglalaba ng sinukahan ng bata- paano ko lalabhan eh inunahan na ko? Hindi ko alam, gusto ba nya ng medal? For all her expertise at pangunguna sa decisions- noong I was looking at her direction nagpaubaya naman sya sa decision ko. Tapos ngayon ako ang may kasalanan?

Sabi ng kapatid kong nurse na nasa Canada, dapat sinabunutan na lang daw ako. Palamunin daw ako at di ko inaalagaan ang bata. Malas daw ng anak ko ako ang naging nanay nya. Gusto kong sampalin ng tatay ko. That was before my child died.

Mind you- I was diagnosed Bipolar II since 2017 and my family knows it. I am a single mom. And all through the wake ganun pala sila sa kin. Partida nagrorosaryo pa kaming lahat after dinner.

Tiniis ko lahat ng pagmamaliit nila sa kin kasi single mom ako, wala akong pera, black sheep ako ng pamilya. Kasi wala kaming matitirhan ng anak ko. Nagtttrabaho ko ng maayos, buti sana kung tumambay lang ako.

I regret it. I regret coming back to this house. I regret coming back to my family. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I have thoughts of hurting my family.

And the worst part is, nothing will bring my baby back.