Is my wife (31F) treating me (28M) unfairly or am I off?
Hi everyone. First post here and I hope it makes sense. It’s a bit of a novel
I (28M) have been married to my now wife (31F) for 2 years, together for 3. Classic ups and downs, but lately I have been thinking about divorce.
My wife knows I’m bi and knows I hooked up with guys before we met and other than feeling some insecurity, it hasn’t really been an issue for my wife. Sometime in Jan/Feb 2026 timeframe, I started to believe that I might be gay, not bisexual. It popped into my head and I couldn’t get it out. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, lost 15lbs that I didn’t have to lose. I felt so guilty and shameful. I told my wife in March that I think I was gay. Somehow from that conversation, my wife said that I sound like I have OCD (she’s medical). Got evaluated and lo and behold, I’ve had pretty severe undiagnosed OCD since I was kid.
Mental health revelations aside, we both agreed that how I’m feeling may be due to OCD (specifically sexual orientation OCD), an identity issue, I really am mostly gay and not bisexual, unresolved trauma (I got diagnosed with PTSD too lol), or a combination of any of that. My wife said she supports me and would be there for me every step of the way, no matter what.
My OCD also affects pretty much every part of my life and personality, so there’s a lot to work through. I’ve been to 3 different therapists, have spent a good amount of money, and have finally gotten established with an OCD specialist twice a week. I’m putting in the work!
Obviously I didn’t expect my wife to sit through this with me, but she said she absolutely would. It’s a weird situation for your partner to deal with OCD and sexual identity issues, so I have given her multiple outs and she always says no.
My wife, however, has not been dealing with this well. She suffers from a lot of insecurities her whole life, which I’ve tried to help her with (encouraging therapy, compliments, hyping her up, being there for her, etc). This sexual orientation confusion though seems to have really rocked her and it’s starting to scare me.
Since the “coming out”/getting diagnosed, she has gotten more and more controlling these last few months.
- She gets upset when I don’t share my OCD thought processes every day
- She gets upset when I do share my OCD thought processes if it relates to her or our relationship in anyway. She also doesn’t really care to ask about my other OCD subtypes.
- She wants to know everything I talk about in therapy. She’ll get upset if she feels like I’m not sharing everything.
- She read my journal without my consent. She admitted to it later that day and knew she made a mistake. I forgave her because it’s tough times.
- We’ve always had an open phone policy, but lately she’s been systematically checking all my messages with friends and family at least once a week. She’ll do it in front of me and will notice I get uncomfortable. She then asks my accusingly why I get uncomfortable. I genuinely don’t text or say anything wrong or bad, it just felt weird. I thought maybe I was the weird one. Then I realized that because we live in her city with her friends/family and away from mine, she knows everything I’ve said to all my friends/family for the last 3 months. That’s for sure weird. And I don’t check her texts, ever.
- If I don’t go on my phone, she gets upset and asks why I don’t go on my phone around her. I’ve always always tried to not be on my phone at home because phones down and family out.
- Recently, I was in bed in the morning and she hadn’t woken up yet. I was j chilling, doing the NYT games. She woke up and first thing she said was that I was being secretive on my phone going on it while she’s asleep.
- We recently got into an argument and she got angry that I didn’t come comfort her after she yelled at me not to comfort her.
All things came to a head when after a recent argument, when she said she wanted to kill herself. I immediately got extremely anxious for her safety. I said we needed physical space from each other. I said I can go to an Airbnb (idk anyone outside of her family/friends in this city) or she can go to her parents. I told her I prefer her to go to her parents because I’m concerned about her safety. She initially refused and then finally came around. I reiterated to her it wasn’t separation, just a chance to take a breath and get grounded. I also wanted her parents to know about the suicidal thoughts because now it’s not just a relationship issue, but a safety issue.
We agreed to do 5 days of space and for her to come back on day 5. I said we can call on the way home from work and an audio message at night. She said she wants to do a call after work and a call at night. I relented.
Then, on day #1, she asked to come home a day earlier. Not wanting to argue over the phone while we’re trying not to argue, I said fine. She then asked accusingly if there was a reason for 5 days, which obviously not, I just thought it was a good breather time duration.
Then, day #2, I asked if we could do an audio message that night because I was on the phone with my sister. She called me immediately bawling and said this wasn’t like me. I told her I was just chatting with my sister. She then got upset and didn’t want to talk anymore, said good night, and then hung up. She then texted an hour later if I was still awake (I wasn’t).
Now today, she is acting like she wants nothing to do with me.
My overall feelings right now are that I don’t feel like my boundaries are accepted and that I have to compromise my emotions, boundaries, and actions so they don’t upset her. I have felt like I’ve been walking on glass. I know it’s a tough situation but I just haven’t really been comforted by her and I felt like I’ve been putting so much more energy in trying to moderate her reactions to things. I also feel like a hostage in this relationship after she started talking about suicide. And feeling like I can’t get out, makes me want to get out even more.
Idk I guess I’m just looking for your guys’ insights, advice, or anything else you have to offer.
Thank you!