I’m confused.
I can’t remember my childhood. My parents divorced when I was young, but I remember the fighting that caused it. But I don’t even remember them being together. I don’t remember any special memories. I have 4 older siblings. I’m the youngest (27F) and every time they bring up what should be a core memory I simply have no recollection even up until I graduated high school. They say I’m trauma blocking, and while I’m very curious on what happened in my childhood, do I really want to know?
I cut off contact with my mother a year ago. I know I lived with my dad majority of my life. My mom would marry, divorce, marry, divorce. And repeat. She moved all over state to state with each new husband. I’ve heard my siblings mention certain SA situations with family members I only remember very vaguely. I do remember one situation where my 40 something year old “cousin” came to my aunts drunk while I was staying with her after my mom came to visit me and left early to go see her new fling. My aunt (actually my great aunt) was in the shower. I was crying in the living room by myself. I wanted my mom so bad. (Why?? Idk she was toxic)
I heard said cousin trying to unlock the door like he was using every single key he had until he got it right. He told me to follow him to the garage and I started screaming. No memory of what happened beyond that point.
I feel like this is jumping all over the place but I’m kind of just spilling out what my mind can’t get over. I don’t want to know, because what I don’t know can’t hurt me, but it is? Like “hey what’s your favorite childhood memory?” I DONT KNOW ANY. How does one unlock memories of their childhood? What if I have no memory even through high school? Therapy? Is that a thing they do? Did something bad happen to me and my brain just kind of threw it away? I’m so confused. Do I just try to get over not knowing or do I try to unpack things my brain doesn’t want to remember. Will that hurt more?
I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for and if you actually read this thanks?? I think I just needed to get my thoughts out anonymously and felt this was the place. I’ve never really talked about it but I think about it daily. People share funny or cute memories from their lives and I’m like “wow cool what’s that like because none of mine are of any excitement”.
I don’t remember ever having birthday parties or dressing up for Halloween. I don’t remember going on trips or any toys I had. I know these things happened because there are pictures capturing them but my brain won’t let me see it play out in my head. Assuming that’s what it does, hell idk.
So if anyone’s got any advice or if there’s even any advice to give I’ll take whatever. I might not remember it tomorrow, who knows. 🤦🏻♀️
Reading this back, but I stopped after the first paragraph because I’m pretty sure I didn’t even go to my graduation but I sure have my diploma. 😐