u/Ems_Dilemma

I [30F] ended my marriage last year after 5 months of consistent lying, manipulation and toxic behavior my ex did with me. Over the past year, I have moved back in with my parents, joined the gym again, did my first solo trip and lost quite a few and made a few new friends. I'm reading again (mostly self-help 🥹) and learning Arabic.

But I still feel antsy. And I keep wondering what will happen next, how will I ever find someone decent and trying to fix myself. Therapy has been helpful. Interestingly, I didnt care to get married before as such, I loved my freedom but despite the traumatic marriage, those few months have actually made me want companionship even more. It's so weird but I cannot relate AT ALL to divorced women who swear off men or marriage.

So I wanted to ask for the girls that are divorced, what are you doing/have done that has helped you find direction in life again? How have you de-centered men?

I have always been somewhat religious since a young age, feeling a close connection with Allah (swt), learning Islamic history and praying the Salah. But I did not grow up in a super conservative household. I never dated, or even talked to guys in that way yet I have childhood male friends that I still keep in touch with and one or two I even meet up with. We usually meet in groups or at eachother's family home where everyone is around. I also dont wear a hijab but I try to dress modestly (loose clothes or cover ups). I do listen to songs (mostly when I drive) and I'm working on reducing it. I do follow halal/haram in all areas as much as I can

On the other hand, I like to listen to lectures, learn tafsir, pray tahajjud whenever I can. Post my divorce, I decided to try my hand at Arabic again. But even as I'm learning it, I'm constantly feeling like im being a hypocrite. They say knowledge without action is useless and how if it doesnt change you, then its even worse than not knowing. I try to work on myself but hijab is the biggest thing I have difficulty with. And some of my vices obviously. I have also reduced the meetups with those school male friends keeping it to a bare minimum. I'm friends with the wives too so it helps.

I want to learn and be able to understand the words of Allah but it also scares me that what if I cant change myself? I am actively hiding this from ppl outside of family bc I dont want to seem more religious than I actually am. Even when I talk about the deen, I sometimes feel like im being hypocritical by preaching what I dont practice. (I dont say I do things but it feels kike I shouldnt be talking about it if im not actively practicing it)

Not sure what I'm looking for. But sometimes I get so scared that I will become judgemental or arrogant. While also wondering what if I all this learning doesnt change anything in me...

I went on a trip to South Korea and had the most interesting albeit funny experiences. At a foot spa, the ajhumma kept caressing my face and cheeks calling me pretty while at the same time holding my thighs and emoting how "jiggly" they are. I'm a US size medium so a little overweight/chubby and obviously I expected being fat shamed or deemed ugly bc Asian standards are different

But I'm genuinely surprised by how many people just randomly kept calling me pretty. At the Gwangjang market, this unc hollered at me calling me pretty lady. Then at another mall while I was sitting this random lady nodded her head at me but then looked taken back, looked again and called me pretty. A few of these moments and I'm now wondering if people were just trying to sell me stuff, mock me or was it sincere. What's the deal?