I don’t know if I can continue my marriage after finding out about my wife’s emotional relationship.
Throwaway account because this is very personal and I don’t want anyone I know to identify me.
I’m 40 and have been married to my wife for around 12 years. I love her very deeply, which is probably what makes this situation so painful.
I’ve recently discovered that my wife has developed what she describes as a “mutual understanding” with another man from her workplace. They have exchanged messages that, from what I’ve seen, go well beyond what I would consider appropriate between two married people. There have been messages about missing each other and sexual/flirty comments.
The man is quite senior at her workplace, which makes the situation even more complicated because they are likely to continue seeing each other professionally.
My wife has said that she is “sort of no longer happy” in our marriage. She hasn’t fully admitted to everything that I suspect has happened, and I’ve asked her to tell me the truth because I would rather hear it from her than find out pieces of it myself.
I’ve also asked whether she would be willing to show me the messages so I can understand what has actually happened. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life checking her phone or investigating her. I just feel that after something like this, I need honesty before I can decide whether there is anything left to save.
My biggest concern is that even if we try to continue, this man will still be at her workplace. I don’t know how I’m supposed to rebuild trust while the person involved remains part of her working environment.
I’m at the point where I don’t think I’m willing to continue the marriage unless there is complete honesty and meaningful boundaries around this relationship. At the same time, I love my wife enormously and the thought of losing our marriage is destroying me.
I’ve been struggling to sleep and my heart rate has been noticeably higher than normal for the last day. I’ve spoken to a trusted friend/manager about what’s happening and I’m trying to give myself some space rather than reacting impulsively.
I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to contact the other man or cause problems at her workplace. I just feel completely lost.
For people who have been through something similar:
-Am I being unreasonable by wanting to see the messages?
What boundaries would actually be reasonable if we tried to reconcile?
-Is it realistic to rebuild trust when the other person still works with the person involved?
-And how did you know when it was time to stop trying?
I would really appreciate honest perspectives, including if I’m looking at this situation in the wrong way.
Update this morning:
Her: Good morning. I’m sorry for what I did. You are such a kind person and such a perfect husband, but I still went and texted someone else. I have no excuse for what I did.
Me: I need to review the messages between you and him. I am not asking to control you or examine your entire phone. I need to understand what occurred. You have apologised and admitted messaging him, yet I still lack the full picture. I need you to be honest with me.
Her: There’s nothing now, it’s already deleted.
I only texted him, that’s all. I just enjoyed the attention I was getting.
Me: nope, try to recover it, find a way to.