Rant. I Just Need To Get This Out Somewhere
Hi.
I’m mostly just coming on here to rant because I honestly don’t have many people I feel comfortable talking to about this irl.
I’m a 24 year old father with a 3 year old son and a 5 year old daughter on the autism spectrum. Recently, I was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour and honestly, I don’t really know what to do with that information yet.
Even before my diagnosis, I already felt behind in life. I felt like by now I should already have shit figured out. I thought I should already know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, have more financial stability, and just be further ahead than I am. Before I thought, “I have years to build stability for my kids.” Years to improve our home. Years to save for their future. Years to figure things out. Now my prognosis is not great, and I don’t know how much time I actually have left to do those things. So now I’m stuck in this constant mental conflict where half of me wants to spend every possible second making memories with my kids while I still physically can, and the other half of me feels like I need to work and create as much financial stability for them as possible in case I’m not here anymore. I feel pulled apart between those two things every single day.
I became a dad young, I was 18 when I had my first, and I always told myself, “Yeah, I’m behind right now, but I’ll catch up eventually.” That was always the plan. I thought I had time and now suddenly it feels like maybe I don’t.
Cycling used to be a huge part of my life and parenting. I’m very much someone who believes in walkable communities and avoiding driving whenever possible. I used to bike absolutely everywhere with my kids. I’d tow them behind my bike, usually with another little trailer attached for groceries or whatever else we needed. I would tow them everywhere in town unless it NEEDED a car. We would go to some parks to ride and I would teach my kids about different birds and trees. Some of my favourite memories as a father are from those bike rides. Treatment fatigue has made that a lot harder physically now, and I miss it more than I can explain. I have been looking into e bikes but they are so expensive.
I’m struggling with how scared I am to tell people in my actual life about all of this. I live in a relatively small community in Canada, and I’m terrified of people treating me differently once they know. I’m okay telling strangers online because strangers can read this, feel bad for me for five minutes, and move on with their lives. But people close to me? Coworkers? Friends? People I see every day? That feels completely different. I don’t want every interaction to suddenly become about cancer. I don’t want people constantly worrying about me or looking at me differently.
And the weirdest part is that logically, I know I’m not a failure. I know getting cancer at 24 isn’t something I caused. I know I didn’t fail my kids or wife because I got sick. But fuck, I still feel like I failed them somehow.
Like I’m supposed to be here longer. Like I’m supposed to have more time to build things for them. More time to become better financially. More time to give them stability and I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel.
Before people ask, yes, I do talk to a therapist about this. But my insurance only covers a limited amount of sessions, and honestly sometimes I just need to get these thoughts out somewhere else too.
Anyway. I don’t really know what I expected from posting this. I think I just needed to say it somewhere.