Would you still go to the wedding if the bride had previously told you multiple times your boyfriend could come, then later changed her mind?
I (25F) am a bridesmaid in my friend’s (26F) wedding and I’m struggling with whether I should still attend after a recent situation involving my boyfriend (25M), who I’ve been with for 2 years. The bride has been one of my friends since high school, which is part of why this has been emotionally difficult for me.
For context, months ago on two separate occasions, the bride directly told me I could bring my boyfriend and mentioned being excited to meet him. One of those conversations was even after the RSVPs had already gone out. Because of those conversations, my boyfriend and I planned the trip together with the understanding that he was included. He already paid for flights and hotel costs and helped make the trip possible financially.
I did not assume I automatically had a plus one just because I’m in a relationship. Before those conversations, I actually assumed I probably wouldn’t get one because it seemed like a smaller wedding, and I never would have initially assumed a plus one invite without her directly telling me he could come. What’s frustrating to me is that I never asked her for a plus one in the first place or tried to push for one before she offered it. I was really happy when she told me I could bring my boyfriend, but that only happened because she brought it up herself on multiple occasions and I accepted based on that.
That’s why I’ve been so confused by the situation. She’s now saying they never really thought of me having a plus one, even though she had previously gone out of her way multiple times to tell me I could bring him.
Recently, when I was rechecking the RSVP and noticed it didn’t mention a plus one, I reached back out to clarify because i wanted to make sure he had a seat since she told me I could bring him after the rsvps went out. She then told me they were over the guest count they wanted and only wanted people there that both her and her fiancé personally know, so my boyfriend can no longer come.
I completely understand it’s her wedding and ultimately her decision. I also recognize I should have confirmed everything more explicitly when I did originally rsvp ( even though she had just told be I could bring him) before relying on previous verbal conversations while planning the trip but I think I just trusted her with what she said (should have had it official so I guess it’s a good lesson for me).
At the same time, what’s making this emotionally difficult for me is that it now feels like I simply assumed he was invited, when from my perspective I was operating based on what I had previously been offered directly multiple times. The bride also hasn’t acknowledged those earlier conversations at all, which has made the situation feel even more uncomfortable. Also I couldn’t have afforded this trip without my partner and he put in a lot of money and effort and time to make this happen so I could be there for her (also he felt welcomed so he was really excited).
Some additional context that may matter:
• I’m a bridesmaid, so this isn’t really a normal couples trip where we’d still spend most of the weekend together. He’d largely be alone during the actual wedding day and events while I’m occupied with getting ready, photos, etc. and also I feel awful even if I do bring him and still do my own thing at the wedding.
• There are 5 other bridesmaids (6 total if I go) so I’m not sure how small the wedding really is.
• The friendship has already had tension before this that hasn’t been worked out yet, but I didn’t want to bring that stress up while she’s planning a wedding cause I still want it to be a happy time for her without adding to any stress.
• I’ve had family members tell me not to go, but I also know they’re somewhat biased based on the past.
I could bail on the extra events and only attend the wedding and I’m sure my boyfriend can spend a day doing his own thing. But now we are less than a month out from the wedding and i feel like I need some perspective.
I understand weddings are stressful and guest counts can change. I’m mostly struggling with the combination of the communication issue, the financial and logistical situation, the complete switch up from the bride, and the feeling that I’m always the one trying to keep the peace and minimize my own feelings.
I have a tendency to over accommodate other people regardless of my feelings and tell them it’s fine even if they did mess up and hurt me so I’m trying really hard to break out of that especially with this situation where my boyfriend is also involved.
At this point I honestly don’t know if I should still attend the wedding or gracefully step back cause I just feel hurt by her right now and I haven’t shared it with my boyfriend yet and haven’t figured out how to respectfully respond to her, I’m still digesting the whole situation.
I also feel guilt since I couldn’t go to her bachelorette because I couldn’t afford it and don’t have a passport for the same reason. And I have been more distant and stressed due to family losses, job loss, and getting help for anxiety / depression which she is aware of but it still felt like I could only share so much with her without becoming a burden. And I know that I’ve also contributed greatly to the distance we have now because of those things.
I’d appreciate outside perspectives to think a bit more clearly.
TL;DR: Bride (26F) verbally told me (25F) on multiple occasions, including after RSVPs went out, that I could bring my boyfriend (25M) of 2 years. We planned and paid for the trip based on that understanding. Now she says they never really thought of me having a plus one and my boyfriend is no longer invited due to guest count limits. I understand it’s her wedding, but I’m hurt because I never assumed a plus one on my own. She offered it, and now I’m unsure whether I should still attend.