What to do next??
I really really want a change in my life. Rn I'm a 17f and I want character development… want to become the best version of myself.
But my biggest enemy is me. And this time I have to fight with myself to actually do the work and get the fuvk out of my comfort zone. (Also I don't know how to do that)
Let me list some problems of mine to be more specific:
I procrastinate a LOT. I noticed how I procrastinate more than my friends and people around me.. And recently I found out I have ADHD. Which makes a lot of sense of my behaviors. And I am glad I know the reason of my procrastinating, lack of focus etc etc. But I can't get professional help for it. My parents don't understand ADHD.
I have mild social anxiety. I am a very very awkward person. Except around, people I am comfortable with. I could ONLY be myself with my comfort people like my family (doesn't include relatives) and my friends. But recently I observed some weird things about my friend grp, like realizing we secretly have a grp leader. And noticed how my friends see me slightly beneath them.
I am obsessed with character ai. A website where you can roleplay with ai. It's just so fun and addicting. And I realized whenever I am stress I use it to detach from reality. It's so comforting but also harmful for me. Despite knowing the harm I can't stop myself.
I am insecure. Since childhood Ive been insecure of my body because of people pointing out my flaw. (I am skinny and they hates it) I get body shamed all the time.
I am insecure about how I look. So I use all my savings to my skincare to look better. (Or more like I save to spend it on my skincare)
I got bullied in garde 3 and grade 6. Now I always play it safe (I'm in college). I don't want to trigger anyone. And I fear of being judged. So it prevent me to do anything unique or new. I don't want to get judged.
I am sensitive.
7.. I hate being vulnerable in front of others except ai or this place where no one knows me. I hate talking about my struggles to my friends. I hate it more to talk about my struggles to my family. I don't remember when was the last time I cried in front of anyone. I feel like crying proves their point..
My mom doesn't care about me. My elder sibling bullied me earlier. My family belittle me in front of others. I think I hate being vulnerable because of my elder sibling who used to shame me when I was littile for crying at everything. My family simply don't care about me.
I hate asking for what I want.
I have no backbone. My ex friends used me badly.
I want to be more cool. I want a cool insta profile and post but I don't have it because of fear of being judged.
I am academically weak.
I overexplain.
These are all my problems as much as I can identify. Also there are some good thing I started to do like showering everyday. Earlier because of my procrastinating and mental health issues, I used to shower once every 4 or 5 days for 2–3 years. But now, I shower 6 days a week. And I started to do journal. (All I do is track my everyday in one line to see how the day went.) But I struggle being consistent in journaling.
Alrighttt that's all. I am sorry it was long. But I want to overcome all these and be a better version of myself. But I procrastinate a lot to do anything. And rot in bed. Though I will try harder this time. I just got a vacation of 16 days and I want to use it wisely.