Suddenly paralysed
Hope this is allowed here. I was paralysed as a side effect of a cancer treatment I received. It all happened in 24 hours, and it affected my brain too in that time. So I sort of blacked out, and when I came to, I couldn’t move my legs. 5 weeks later, I still can’t. They think it’s inflammation at at T10 that’s pressed on my column it went into shock. Neurologists can’t tell me anything about when or if anything will come back, and if it does to what extent. The inflammations probably gone now but it’s up to my body to repair the damage if it can.
I can’t really wrap my head around it. Up until recently I was just focussing on getting back to my two young daughters. They’re only 4 and 1. Having a birthday party for the 1 year old in the same hosp I gave birth to her in a year ago was a headfuck. But recently, I’ve begun to realise that, if I don’t regain the ability to walk, I might just be impacting their lives for the worse. Having to make alterations to the house, destroying its market value, they won’t be able to do things all their friends can with their mums. I would need looked after by my husband, taking time away from them. And I would’t be able to do all the things I used to for them - cooking, picking them up when they fall, climbing playground apparatus with them, showing the baby how to go down a slide. I wouldn’t be able to safely be left alone with them for a long time, if ever. And all of this makes me realise….i think I might remove myself from the picture if I don’t get my legs back. My kids deserve better, and they won’t remember me at this age too much.
This has been a rollercoaster. I was so determined to beat this cancer (results still pending), but now I just want to give my family the best chance at a normal, fulfilling life. It hurts to realise that that may be without me in it, but ultimately I need to do what’s best for my children.