u/Entire_Primary_4937

Well, the thing is I was offered a position as a snack attendant at Royal ($1000 USD). It would be my first contract, but I was already planning on getting a working holiday visa once the summer season ended in my country (I live in a coastal city, so it's the high-demand part of the year where we work our asses off and make good money).

However, I'm currently studying online, and I know that studying while working on a cruise is very hard. I'm really taken aback by the reality of the cruise job; although I put all the pros and cons on the table, having to put my studies on a break really triggers me.

With the visa, I think I could organize myself and keep studying, not having to push my education aside. With the cruise job? I know I could save more money perhaps (not having to pay for a room, etc.).

What would you guys do? feel free to correct or add anything I might be missing here. I'm really trying to get my thoughts straight (pretty hard having severe anxiety, but I'm TRYING).

Since I was little, every little thing that lit even the tiniest spark inside me became everyone's problem. I got obsessed with it.

If it was a TV show, I'd make my parents buy the cds, the posters, the magazines,everything.

Then, when my father sat me in front of the computer when I was 8 and showed me Dragon Ball, Saint Seiya, and other anime, my brain combusted once again. It consumed me to the point where I'd sit in front of the computer for hours.

Then it happened with video games. Then with other anime that I found on my own thanks to having unrestricted internet access from a very young age. Then it happened with one direction, with fanfics, with books, everything. again

Every little thing that I consumed consumed me.

It was never about having a hyperfixation on one thing and then moving on. No. Everything kept building up. Everything took too much of me.

Of course, it's no one's fault, and I guess it's not my fault either, but those feelings of love and devotion toward these things... that need to know EVERYTHING about each one of them... it's just too much. It was always too much.

I felt misunderstood my whole life because the thought was always, "You don't feel it like I do," and I still think that's true.

To this day, if I see an edit about an anime I love or hear a song by harry styles, my chest tightens, my ears start ringing, and I get anxious to the point where I feel nauseous. My hands start shaking. It was always like this.

I don't get to rewatch things that I love too much because the emotions are just too intense. Sometimes I think I could literally die from a heart attack if I rewatched Haikyuu.

And with the rest of my emotions, it works the same way.

If I get mad, it's not just anger. My blood pressure drops, and I feel cold with rage. If I'm sad, it's not just, "Oh, I'm having a bad day." It's the "I'll sleep for 18 hours a day for a week, stop eating properly, stop showering" kind of thing.

Everything to the extreme.

I talk about this with my therapist, but I just want to feel like I'm not the only one. i don't know if the adhd has something to do with all of this, or my anxiety, or it just me and who i am.