I don't want to love them anymore
3 years ago they came into my life when I wasn't looking or wanting any kind of complication or commitment.
I'd just left a 10yr marriage, I felt free for the first time in so long.
But when our lips met for the first time, I felt panic. I knew they were going to change my life.
The abuse started 3 months in. The insults, accusations, insecurities, making me doubt my friendships and entire support network, then came throwing objects, grabbing my arms or clothes and pushing me. It wasn't long before their hands rolled into fists and started leaving bruises.
I've been pushed out of moving cars, hit with cars, had my car rammed with cars, dragged out of cars, I've been left 8 the woods alone late at night with no phone or way to get help, wild dogs having a field day listening to me sobbing and begging for anyone to help me.
I've been in their bed when they strangled me and then set the bed on fire. I've been in the house when they set that on fire.
I've had to cancel visitation with my kids because the bruises just couldn't be covered up with any amount of makeup. I've watched them hurt me then beat their own face and head to cause bruising, so they could tell everyone I was the violent one.
I've had knives held against my throat, I've been told where they will hide my dead body after they have killed me. I don't fear death at all anymore.
But the most awful thing that happened to me was the day I realised that I could take the violence any day of the week, for the rest of my life, if only they would stop the constant cheating on me. Because that meant I wasnt enough for them.
I gave up everything and everyone to be with this person, I love and adore them and have devoted myself to them a million times over, but they still run to others.
Not only that but they deny it and accuse me of doing depraved things behind their back. They have become so mean, they have dragged my name through the mud and blamed me for every single thing that ever went wrong.
And I still stayed, because I love them.
But I don't want to love them anymore.
I am now sitting in a motel alone, with no one and nowhere to turn, nothing with me after I had to flee from them yet again 2 days ago.
They asked to come and get me as they didn't want to be alone at their house, they needed a witness.
Not even worth faking it for anymore.
I am only on their radar now because I am still useful to them.
I've lost everything and will be on the streets as of tomorrow.
And I don't want to love them anymore. My heart is so tired and so battered.
This pain and sadness is so intense, why wasn't I worth it anymore?