feeling behind in life. together 7yrs 24F 25M. have nothing to show for it feels like
i have had a bottle of wine so pls bare with me. i’m a little emotional );
we have been together since we were 17 & 18. we have been through the worst parts of each others life and we still find a way to make it work but i just feel like i am so behind in life. i’m 24 he’s 25 and no kids no house no ring just nothing. we are living in my parents basement. it is finished and has everything like an apartment would have but i just feel like we are too old to be in my parents house (me and my family are super close but i still feel like i need to be out on my own). i see friends getting engaged or having kids,getting married or buying houses and it triggers something in me that causes this depression when i see yet another person i know do the things i wish i had. we had an argument the other day about how i want to leave here and be on our own and which he wants the same thing but money plays a big part in it. i work a decent job (i had been off work for a year due to being in school and just now found a job 2 months ago) and he had a really good job till he quit a couple years ago to farm. before he quit his 95k a year job he did have a sit down and ask me if i was okay with it. deep down i wasn’t but how was i supposed to tell him how i really felt when he hated his job, was gone every week and just wanted to start fresh and pursue a dream of his. well it’s been about 2 years since then and farming does take time and money to get started. he wasn’t handed anything so what he has accomplished has been on his own and i am proud of him for it. part of this i do take accountability for and admit i am wrong because i have held back and bit my tongue for a few months of me feeling this way but i told him i think he needs to get a job so we can get out of here. he didn’t take it well and gave me a bunch of reasons why and i get it because it is a full time job to farm and the better you take care of cattle the more money they bring. but with the debt he is in with the farming i know no where will give him a loan for a house and i don’t make enough money to get a decent loan for a house or a farm. i just don’t know what to do. i expressed to him how i felt as in i feel behind in life and i could tell that when he heard me saying it and getting upset about it that it did hurt him and he wants things to change but i just don’t know what to do next. i took a break off of BC for about 6-7 months due to my personal health concerns but everytime we had a pregnancy scare i freaked out so bad. i want kids but here recently having one just feels like the biggest inconvenience. to the point where i question if i even want them. it got to the point where i decided to go against my own beliefs about BC and start back on the pill because the thought of a child was sickening to me.
if you were to ask me about 5-6 yrs ago i would’ve told you that i probably have 3-4 kids running around because that’s just what i’ve always wanted but as we are getting older its getting less and less. i am the baby of the family and my mom and dad had me later in life (35&39) and growing up i didnt experience what he did as in spending summers with my grandparents or even now still being able to see them. i only have one left (the rest died at an early age) and he has all 4. i feel like if i was born earlier i would’ve had that. and i want that for my kids. i want them to know the love of what my parents can give and be able to remember it. i know we aren’t that old but with how things are moving it doesn’t seem we will have kids any time soon.
i am just venting and getting emotional at this point but i just need to know an opinion from someone i don’t know looking from the outside in. i love this man with everything in me it hurts but i question myself with is this all ill ever get from him? like do i need to just cut my losses and move on and find someone that has these wants just as much as i do. i just don’t know. i think the children aspect of this situation really tears my heart. he says he wants kids but i feel like deep down maybe he doesn’t. it might be selfish of me to feel this way i don’t know. like how do you end a 7 year relationship over these things but at the same time all i can think about is how there has got to be someone out there that will give me these things i want. there is prob a lot of details i’ve left out but i just want opinions i am stuck