u/EnvironmentalCat7482

My social anxiety self is a lifeless, inoffensive, boring, pathetic pushover, and my real self has become a selfish attention starved (and seeking), asshole. People don’t like either shitty version of me.
I just want to make friends and be myself with people, but I just can’t, and I’m not supposed to talk to other patients at the clinic after discharge anyway. I just really am nothing, I’m so disconnected, confused and numb. I fantasize about a girl at my clinic who I’m not sure I’m even attracted to, I’m just so hopeless, and it’s very unlikely that she likes me even as a friend.
Sometimes I want to die, but most of the time I just don’t feel anything at all, except discomfort.
I don’t know why I can’t tell my therapist this but I can vent to random strangers online. If you read this, have a fucking EEEEEXXXXCEEELLENT day.

For context, I’m in high school (online), and go to a PHP clinic for my social anxiety, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. There’s this girl I think I like in the depression group, but I barely talk to her, and she probably thinks I’m a loser. As my dad pulled out of the parking lot when we were leaving, I made eye contact with her through the window, as she was standing next to her parent’s car. The sun was in my eyes, so it looked like I was glaring. Then, a couple seconds later, I look back and make eye contact with her again, and I can feel my face glaring from the sun and just tired eyes, now it seems like I’m deliberately glaring at her. And now it’s too late to smile or something cuz we’re basically out of the parking lot. I feel bad, because she has expressed being upset by people not smiling at her, and also because I want her to know that I like her (as a person, because there’s like 1% chance I’d ever be with her romantically).
Thanks for reading, I’ve just been ruminating on this a lot.