u/EnvironmentalTry6128

I need an opinion on something that happened when I was young… but first a background story:

From the ages of 5 to 12 I (20 F) started to experience SA from family friends and cousins of mine who were freshmen in high school and also boys. We would have family gatherings at my uncles house after church every Sunday and all the kids would be in the basement. When we would get called to get food the boys (there were 3 of them) would tell me to wait back with them. Many times they would have me touch their private parts, lick them and they would touch me inappropriately. This happened every time we would be at my uncles and no one knew. They never penetrated me. I never felt bad or upset or scared about any of it

One of the boys in particular was my older cousin, he’s about 7 years older than me. This is the first time I’ve really brought these memories to the surface in a long time so bear with me. When we would go to my great grandmas house, he would take me to the living room and force me to make out with him and touch him while we were doing it. He would come over to our house sometimes and bring his PlayStation and would hook it up to the big tv we had in our basement. He would make me give him head while he was playing the game or would turn on a movie and make me lick it.

Another one of my cousins did something similar but he actually attempted to penetrate me. Recently I mentioned it to my dad and asked if he knew and he said yes and told me that my cousins father did the same thing to my mom and our other cousins when they were teenagers. It mad me feel uneasy knowing this.

Around the same time that I was being abused, I had a little cousin who is 7 years younger than me (13 M) and a brother who is 10 years younger than me. As I was being abused I would come home and try to show my little cousin how to make his pp bigger and would rub myself on him. He was around 4 ish years old when this happened but it only happened twice.

With my brother, we used to share a room bc our house was really small. He was around 4 and woke up to him humping my leg, I ignored it and went back to sleep. As the days went on, he kept doing it and would start to pull up my night gown or pull down my pants and rub himself on me. I finally gave in and just let him do it and eventually let him rub against my privates. It stopped when we moved out of that house a while ago. He was caught jumping the bed on vacation and also recently got caught with corn on his phone. About a month ago (he is now 10) he stayed the night in my room when I came home from college. I slept with small shorts on and I woke up to him with his pp out scooting towards me. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing. Then a few minutes later he asked me if I remember what we used to do at our old house, I told him no and that I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he kept asking if I remembered when our parents would leave or when we would go to bed and I kept denying remembering and told him it must have been a dream and it never happened.

Since that has happened I have never told anyone about me doing it to them but it’s been eating at me and effecting my intimacy. It makes me so nauseous to know what I did and the fact that he remembered. I’m close with my little cousin and brother, but the ones who did it to me are no longer in my life and have created families of their own. We’ve never talked about it, never made our interactions weird. Nothing. I’ve never brought it up to either of them and I sometimes want to talk to my little cousin about what happens to me to see if he would remember what I did to him but I feel like it’s best if I leave it alone.

Idk I’m just sick thinking about it bc they’re such sweet kids and I never wanted to cause them any harm or wanted them to look at me differently.