I’m finally doing the scariest part. I’m almost free.
I (34 f) and my stb ex husband (31 m) have been together for about 15 years. “Separated” for the last three. I say that lightly because although we haven’t lived together he has made sure every single day I pay for it.
The first time he was physical with me was our second week of being together. Facebook had an update and all my messages in my inbox said they were from that current day, he put his hand around my throat and said he would really kill me. For some reason that just spelled love out to my sad self, I should have left. I didn’t.
The physical abuse wasn’t daily. The emotional abuse was though. But he had something going for him, he was the only man that didn’t leave. My dad, my sisters dad, grandpas, great grandpas. They didn’t stay. They didn’t choose us. They left. But he didn’t. And he reminded me about that everyday. So I stayed.
He broke me down to nothing. Just a pathetic shell. A baby making, husband serving shell. My light was gone.
After keeping us, and our now two children (which I will say they are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I would go through all of this again without hesitation to have them in my life. My life with them is meaningful and fulfilling and I love them so much. They are in no way a burden and regardless of how they got here, I’m blessed) in absolute chaos and financial struggle for twelve years he had me go back to work. This single decision changed my life forever.
After going back to work and being told I’m intelligent and talented, promotions for proof, something shifted. He was enraged at all times. We fought all day everyday. He looked at me with this hate in his eyes. And one day he exploded. And he packed some stuff in a box and instead of going into my usual toxic screaming begging crying for him to stay, I opened the door for him to go. We haven’t lived together since.
I wish I could say I was free and I cut him off and we got divorced. That’s just not what happened.
Being a single mother whose bills were well above any amount I could afford, I fell into a horrible situation in my job. I took all the men higher up in my company at their word, let them work me to the ground, and never got anything in writing. Lesson learned ladies. Follow up every conversation with an email. And if it feels too good to be true, it probably is. All that to say, it all became too much and I lost my apartment and had to move back in to my family home with my mom. This has been magic in our lives. My kids are the happiest they’ve been. My oldest is doing so great in a sport he loves and his grades are the highest they’ve been. My daughter is getting to be the social butterfly she is and try all the activities. It’s amazing what the kids can do without the grumpy angry man in the house saying we don’t have the money for them to do those things, or without his narcissistic self to ruin ever event holiday or activities to ruin whatever they could do.
I know this is getting so long but I would like to say of course there were good times. And I clung on to every fleeting moment of them with a death grip. Hoping that even though he showed me everyday it wouldn’t be like that baseline, that someday he would like me.
Since getting evicted and having to move home. Which makes us a few hours away from where he lives. He has made my life miserable. Constantly threatening me. Saying he’s going to take the kids. Saying he hates me. Saying he hopes I die. Saying everything terrible.
And my solution has been telling him that someday things will be different. Someday I will fix this. Because every bad thing that has happened the past three years is my fault. And I’ve been fixing them.
If by fixing you mean I’m setting myself up to be FREE from him. Finally. I’m doing it. I’m calling in to my local program offered here (thank you small town living) to get the support, have it recorded, and make an official legal plan to be rid of this. I finally get to tell him to leave me alone. I’m finally going to call the police. I’m finally going to do it. My body is trembling. I can’t eat or sleep. But I just had to get this off my chest
My hope is that he won’t be a selfish crazy person and just accept it and do whatever the judge sees fit for him parenting wise. But I’m ninety percent sure he will either ruin his whole life and end up in jail or just disappear from my kids and I’s life. I’m at peace with either of the three.