u/Equal-Jaguar-9644

What I am about to write below is the first insight into my mind actually works, and it will likely make you disgusted, horrified or disturbed. Maybe not read if you're going to report.

I am young. I was never happy. My mother accidentally lopped off a part of my finger when I was a toddler. My grandmother banged my head against a door lock when I was a young child. I remember blood making my vision red. My father apparently grabbed my hair and threw me on the floor once, but I do not remember. There is little that I remember. My parents are divorced. I tried and failed to hide it from my classmates. My younger siblings used to blackmail me by saying they'd wake our mother up, and that would always lead to me being beat or verbally abused. I had a kitten. I didn't let her outside. My mother did and she got run over by a car. I do not remember what happiness or contentment feels like anymore, but I'm sure I felt it once. I feel highly detached. I smoke hash joints every chance I get to dull out the pain. I want to stab myself and die. I like watching videos of people dying, it gives me a way of feeling the hate in my heart which I wish to inflict upon the world express itself. I want to murder everyone who knew my face and then die. I wish I was never born. I hate nobody more than I hate myself. I have not cried for 3 years. My act of acting normal has become routine. I sometimes zone out and think about killing someone with an axe if they are rude to me.

I was sexually abused a few times till I was 14 or 15. I still withstand verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I feel no affection towards my family. I am not deserving of life. My hate seems to wish to translate into violence. I am not sure if I can control myself but I think I can. I feel a severe lack of something which I don't know about. My body is dying. I seem to have a condition of the nervous system which limits my movement, but I don't know which one.