I’m done watching my anger.
One of my favourite sayings is “your anger is the part of you that loves you”. I’m tired of suppressing it. I have quiet bpd, I don’t need to manage my emotions and my reactions when I don’t harm anybody, I just harm myself. I don’t feel grounded when I do grounding exercises I feel stupid. I would actually like to feel my rage, people deserve the clap back they would receive from me if I grew a pair. The times I loved myself the most is when I’ve stuck up for myself, when I let people get the reaction out of me that they were looking for. Be a monster and let my reputation precede me. I’m always checking myself and what comes out my mouth and how I’m perceived always but these neurotypicals wouldn’t dare to learn anything about me or themselves or learn anger management. All i knew from the moment I could remember is that 1. I wanted to die 2. I was being constantly abused. Why do I have to put so much effort into my character when I feel my feelings are justified? These people don’t deserve the quiet, kind, watered down version of me. It has never gotten me anywhere. My father wouldn’t stop poking and prodding so I just let myself have a meltdown until he physically assaulted me and now we don’t speak anymore. He spread a smear campaign and that side of my family never spoke to me again, nobody called me on my birthday or Christmas. Not one. I wish I could’ve culled this useless herd earlier. I wish I would’ve lashed out earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have all these chronic diseases.