I have no one to talk to about this
Idk if anyone will read this but there’s no one at all in my personal life I can talk to about this. I
(25F) am “straight” but when I was 14 I was in a friendship with a girl which quickly became a homoerotic situation it was terrible. she was my first kiss first everything we weren’t in a relationship but acted like we were when we were alone it got very toxic and was painful and tapered off eventually.
Other than that I’ve only had feelings for men, been with men if anything I’d say I’m bi but honestly I’m much older now and left that experience so far in the past I thought I’d moved on, other than a few female celebs that I’d think were attractive I hadn’t experienced anything else I’ve just said I’m straight.
Well I’ve had this friendship with a woman (24F) and we’ve been friends for 4 years and have gotten very close the last 2 and are best friends. Over past 6 months we’ve both gone through a lot and we both started leaning on each other in deeper ways she also identifies as straight but in her early teen years had many experiences with women as well. We’re both in long term relationships with men which makes this all the more problematic. There’s been some betrayal lately which is part of the getting closer to each other lately.
I am shocked completely by what I’ve been feeling and it sucks so bad. We are together all the time and have a completely different relationship when we are alone vs. with others we sleepover a lot and cuddle and rub her under clothes. She leans into this heavily and tells me she likes when I touch her I play boyfriend to her in a way and enjoy it I know there’s no romantic feelings for her as far as I know I think she likes the attention and feeling good and is deeply bonded to me mainly. Overall I’m fine with that I’m right where I want to be, but i know it’s not good for me.
none of this is ever acknowledged out loud ever. We joke about being platonic soulmates and the second her man comes around she acts so different towards me and I follow suit and it’s basically this big elephant in the room. It’s so inconsistent and sometimes I feel crazy like oh that was just platonic as if I wasn’t just in her pants the night before. I’m honestly getting so depressed bc I’ve fallen for her but it literally can’t ever be I know i probably need to make distance but she’s my best friend and closer to me than anyone. I wish I knew what she was thinking. We get lesbian allegations since we’re together all the time and she acts so shocked bc “she isn’t gay” it’s wild bc we sure be acting gay. I wish I could just stop feeling this toward her I literally haven’t thought about a woman that way in over 10 years and don’t know how I ended up here and am afraid we are gonna crash and burn and I’m gonna lose another best friend due to the same scenario. I’m probably in Limerence (also I know we need to break up with these men regardless it’s all just so confusing rn)