Need Advice - My Mother is a Monster-In-Law
So, this is a throwaway because I really don't need the drama in my life but I kind of need some advice. Let me begin by saying my family and I have not always been on good terms. I have been disowned in the past and in recent years they have been trying to rebuild and reconnect, which is great. But my mother has become more of a "monster-in-law" (not married yet but it's the only thing I can think to say that describes her) and I don't know what to do.
I (mid 20s f) began dating my bf (mid 20s m) a little over a year ago. He's really the first bf I've ever brought home to my parents and he and I are very serious about eventually getting married and having a family. My family is very religious, while I am not and neither is my bf. While my dad (60s m) does not like it, he respects that this is the man I have chosen and that either the family gets on board or I'm going to end up doing my own thing. But my mother (60s f), oh my god, where to begin.
I can start with what she said to me when I had brought my bf home to the parents to meet them. My mother and I were in the car talking and I was talking about how it's almost impractical to get married anymore with the breakdown of taxes and finances where we are. And her response to me was, "You're lucky you have someone that even wants to marry you." I just remained quiet after that since I didn't want to fight for the rest of the 2 hour car ride. Or later I was talking to my family members about a tiff my bf and I had, but before I got to the part of that it was resolved, she interrupts to say, "You had better count your damn lucky stars you have someone patient enough to deal with you. You better apologize." Alright, I get it, he's too good for me. Thanks mom. But anyways, onto the more recent things.
This last week my parents have been visiting to help fix some things around the house. And before we get too far into this my parents invited some friends of theirs (that I have never met) to my house for this repair work, and I wasn't told until they were already on the way (they ended up being amazing people but it was sort of rude initially as I don't like people at my house). Anyways, for my bf's and I's one year anniversary I had bought him a grill. This grill had never been used, and he was called into work this particular day. He wasn't home in time for dinner as he had to work a long day and my dad ended up asking my bf if he could use the grill for hot dogs and burgers. My bf is a sweetheart and said alright, even though he was upset about someone else using it first, but he understood my dads desire to grill the hot dogs and burgers instead of using a cast-iron. I had even said to my dad, "Um, it really sucks that (bf's name) isn't the one to use it first." and my dad said, "well he said it was okay so he doesn't get to winge about it." Anyways, the next morning my mother was talking about options of what to make for that days dinner and I said, "If we do that then (bf) can use his grill!" And she said, "Well he could've used it yesterday but he wasn't here helping all day." Um, excuse me, he was working. Her friend was in the room so I didn't feel it was fair to pick a fight with my mother in front of the friend, and my house is very small, so it's not easy to pull someone aside. So I let it go for the moment. I talked to my dad about what my mom had said and even he had said, "That was uncalled for. He was working."
That evening was a sh*tshow. There's no other way about it. It started with my bf sitting 8 ft away from my mother and she is talking to me saying, "well will you ask (bf) if he can... (yada yada yada I don't remember)" and I ended up telling her, "Why don't you ask him yourself? He's sitting right there." To which she did the "Oh, well, I guess.."
Later that same evening, the real drama started. My mother ended up insinuating that my bf doesn't know how to cook on his grill (which he did AMAZING), hovering, trying to force her friend into my bfs spot at the grill. Even going so far as to have my dad talk to my bf about "making sure he's doing it right". Which I was present for and my dad was doing great of "having a talk" without actually "having a talk" to appease my mother and avoid telling my bf how to do his thing. Until my mother storms out of the house and over to the guys just going on about every single thing and my dad had to yell, "I meant to HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITHOUT YOU" to my mom to get her to get the message to leave it be. Which of course led to her sulking for most of the rest of the night.
Move on a couple days, things seemed to go well (especially since my mom went out with her friend for a day and a half and wasn't even at the house) until the day before I left for work. I don't want to go into too many details here as it would completely give away a lot but basically, she insisted on using some of my bfs things without even asking him, instead trying to have us read between the lines as to what she wants. Very irritating to him and I as we are both very straight forward people who don't care if you ask, just ask outright instead of this dance around the topic. I ended up having to decipher what my mother was meaning to him and he of course was upset about her not just asking him to use his things outright.
Now, I know I should sit my mother down and spill this all out. Hash it out. But 1, she is not that way. I don't think I have ever been able to have a straight forward conversation with her my entire life without some twists thrown in, which I lose my train of thought easily and then never end up saying what I want to say. And 2, the hard part, is that I think she is starting to get early onset dementia. I have noticed multiple times of her getting confused with things from 30 years ago. The mood swings and irritability have been getting worse in recent months. And I don't know what to do. I don't live exactly close to them, so I don't feel like I should be the one to confront the parents about it, but my brother is too timid to bring it up, even though he has noticed similar things.
So please, how do I handle these situations and potentially having to have a talk with a dynamite stick that she may have an uncurable condition and should get tested?