last one -barely- standing (need allen carr)
I have never really tried to quit before. Maybe passively. But it never came from a deep willingness or conviction. I am too comfortable, I like it too much, I am too scared of not being able to stop. Who am I if not a smoker? I have been for 12 years. It’s so delicious to finish a meal and step outside for a ciggy. Or talking on the phone and smoking. Or listening to music and smoking. Or having a drink and smoking. Everything and smoking.
Ciggy is a friend, in a sense. Or a crutch? Something solid and painful.
Recently a close friend quit. Someone I never thought would. We would smoke together all the time; it felt safe to share this dirty little habit with him, even though everyone around us disapproved. In a way, it brought us closer together. Then suddenly he stopped. He said he listened to audiobook of the easy way to stop smoking by allen carr. I was so thrown off. I feel so alone now. The last one standing, holding a cigarette in my hand, stubbornly holding onto something that doesn’t love me back. And I still don’t understand why.
And I also still don’t feel the raging need to stop. I think. At least it doesn’t feel like an intense screaming of my body telling me to quit. My mind is too set on its ways. But there is something quiet, almost tacit, hanging onto the back of my mind with it’s tiny paws: a desire, a vision of a me without a cigarette in her hand, an almost imperceptible yearning for a better me.
Anyway, I think I’ll try the easy way to stop smoking. Though I am so terrified of failing, you have no idea.
Does anyone know where I can find the audiobook?
Thank you if you read this rambling.