Hey all.
Struggling with a lot of feelings right now, some envy, some grief, a lot of it helpless frustration at my situation. I’m a 30yo male and I’ve struggled with chronic pain and a long medical journey since my early teens. Multiple surgeries, a complete break in trust regarding my previous GP and years of being sent around in circles. Doctors have little answer for my symptoms, we’re currently looking to rule out EDS.
People around me are moving on. Friends I care about and would see more often now get married, have kids, live their lives. I’m happy they get to do that, but it hurts to see while I’m stuck in bed most of my days just watching the world move on while I feel stuck.
I noticed a lot of people started growing apart from me a d I have never felt more alone.
No clear diagnosis means people just assume I’m lazy, I do it for attention, I’m not really sick.
I have no easy explanation about why I’m too exhausted to get up every day, why I can’t sleep for hours on end every night because of pain flaring up. No big word to throw at someone to justify why I can’t do everything they expect me to do.
That brings me to my current partner. She knew from before we started getting together that my health wasn’t great, we’ve been together for years, we lifted each other up in our worst moments and she’s been my rock for a long time.
She somewhat recently lost her job (on severance pay for a while now) so she’s been dealing with a lot. We’ve gotten into arguments about things more because of this.
She tends to bring up how I don’t do enough in the house, how I’m being lazy or use my pain as an excuse. I have tried to explain it to the point of tears. I can barely walk, every step hurts, and I use a wheelchair when I get past the front door.
Sometimes she says she understands but in the same breath she asks me to run down several flights of stairs to pick up the big grocery order and gets annoyed when I say I can’t. I feel like a leech, I know it’s not fair to expect these things from me, but it doesn’t quiet that little voice that always questions if I’m ever good enough for other people.
I have an income. It’s not much but I can pay part of the rent and all the groceries so she doesn’t have to shoulder the finances on her own. I try to save where I can too so we have some stability so she’s not the sole provider. Regardless I still get told I need to find a better job and earn more. I know it might be her frustration at the jobless situation talking but that’s no excuse to treat me this way.
I am just incredibly hurt and frustrated. I feel so helpless being shamed and berated for something I already feel a lot of guilt and frustration about without the person that’s supposed to care about me piling on to that.
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings, I didn’t know where else to put it.
I hope your days are better than mine.