How do you navigate difference of religion between homes?
Sorry, this will probably be a long rant. If you don’t want to read, a TLDR is that religious differences are starting to negatively affect my bio kids and I’d like advice how to separate religion brought in by my step kids from my bio kids while also giving my step kids as much freedom as possible with their relationship with God. Also, I say “I” a lot, I promise my husband is also here with me 100% and we handle these things together. It’s just how I’m talking and my feelings.
Want to preface this by saying a few things. First, that I am a step parent. Second, when my husband and I first got together, his ex was not religious so this was not an issue. Third, I support anyones journey with religion, no matter what or how that looks like as long as it isn’t negatively affecting them or the people around them.
They have 2 children together, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. All of the children are 7 and younger. My husband shares 50/50 with his ex, so their kids are here quite a bit.
Within the last 6 months or so, my husbands ex has jumped head first into religion and has brought their two children along. Our household isn’t religious, the most religion we have here is a Catholic cross that was given to me by my grandfather before he passed that is hanging above the doorway in my room so they never even see it, and I wanted my children to be older to better comprehend religion before them digging into it.
These last 2 months, I have been asked the question “if I do XYZ, will I go to hell?” approximately 104,926 times by all 4 children. The first time I was asked was by my oldest and I was absolutely bewildered that she knew what Hell was and that if you do bad things, thats where you end up. I have never said anything like that to any of the kids, and I have been adamant that being scared into submission in any form isn’t something I will subject my children to.
Accountability has almost completely gone out the window with his children, also. If they do something they shouldn’t, they say the Devil whispered in their ear to do it and that they listened. And this one is just an eye roll, but I am so tired of them requesting to listen to the same 3 Christian songs 😭
The Hell thing, I tried to negate by saying “you’re so young, God knows this and would never punish you in that way” but their mom had previously told them that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you should just do good.
Mom also told them that everyone listens to the Devil sometimes, but as long as you repent, it’s okay. It’s actually not okay because adults don’t get to not go to prison for the bad things they did just because they believe in Jesus.
My oldest told me last night at bed time that they were scared of hell and that they wouldn’t ever do anything bad ever again because they didn’t want to go there forever. They had a hard time sleeping last night because they kept having nightmares of being in Hell. I’m just not sure how someone can hear their young child say that and not think it’s messed up that they’re being scared into doing what they think is the right thing. I want my kids to be good because they’re actively choosing to be good, not because they’re scared that their soul will be damned for all eternity if they aren’t.
I support my step kids relationship with God even though I don’t have one. I talk to them about God, I pray with them before bed time, I sing hymns with them, I even take them to Wednesday evening church every time they’re with us because they enjoy going. My husband has a lot of religious trauma so these things can be quite difficult for him to do with them, but I am okay with picking up the slack in that department. He does all these things with them as well except take them to evening church.
Anyway, how do I go about separating their religious beliefs as much as possible from my bio kids while still giving them as much freedom as possible to continue to build the relationship they want with God? Can I even do that at all? How do I handle comforting my own children with their fears of Hell when they’re being told by my step kids that what my husband and I say isn’t right because their mom has said differently? How can I start a healthy conversation with my step kids and ask them to tone the religious talk down some?
I tried explaining to them all that everyone has their own beliefs and that it’s okay if they don’t align as long as you’re respectful to each other about it, and I have had to stop at least 2 serious fights about it, but they still constantly argue and bicker about it and the fear of eternal damnation is taking over my bio kids, especially my oldest.
I don’t want to ban religion from our house, I don’t want my step kids to feel like they have to choose us or religion, but the fear mongering is getting to be too much for me and my husband to handle.