u/EquivalentRun4647

It's been a rough few weeks since Dday. I nearly ended up in a car accident today. I'm shaken up. I understand those movies where numerous points of bad luck keep happening. I will count my blessings though that no one was hurt thankfully.

I really want to call him tonight and tell him it is all his fault.

Id say: "Yknow what. F*ck you. F*ck you to hell and back. I hope you only suffer in this life. I nearly ended up in a really bad car accident today. And I am going to blame you. You have f*cked my life up because of your weird perverted obsession with types of sex workers. F*ck you you b*stard. Always lying. Always being a pervert. Always putting your mother first every damn day in that morbid fucking house and controlling me. Being tight with money but spending hundreds maybe even thousands now on your sex tourism with your mates you bunch of pathetic desperate d*ckheads"

If he hadn't cheated, I wouldn't be driving a car I'm not familiar with to my temporary accommodation. My whole life upheaved. All while he continues living in that house and his mother coddling him and doting in him. Year in and year out going to strip clubs and buying who knows what. Trying to sleep with randoms while out on those holidays.

My therapist (who was our couples therapist) expressed her view that once a cheater always a cheater. I expressed I'm not ready to agree with that yet. And she respected that and said I will have my own views.

It's just stuck on my mind. Do I believe it or not? If I did go back to him after a year, would that still be self abandonment? Even if he actually did change, would it just be for the best to make a new life anyway? It seems far too complex to get involved again. But I am still missing him and can feel my mind swing back and forth like an eternal pendulum.

Therapy once a week is obviously the best thing. But I feel like I need therapy every few days. Today has been somewhat calmer. A lot more crying. But not frantic, just very releasing. Maybe 5 more months and then I can think a little more clearly. I also need to do my own work. I can identify I did self abandon. I suppressed my own feelings of wanting to break up before he confessed anyway. I over compromised on my values. I even did values work with a therapist months ago because I knew the life I was living with my partner had none of that. So I need to start working on that. But I'm still stuck on wanting to send him the right things ie information on enmeshment, "being a nice guy", monogamous to his mother. I can't stop directing my energy for him. Every thought. Every reflection at my current living situation (I am temporarily living in student accommodation as it's all I can afford).

But then I wonder, do I even like him? He didn't have an ambitions. All he did was play games, smoke weed. He was glued to his mother. His mother was glued to him. The love she has for him is does make me uncomfortable. She keeps him and her other son very stuck living in that dusty abysmal home. I shrunk myself living in that home with them.

When I first started dating him he seemed rare, and adventurous. It felt like he wanted to do things. He felt very similar to me. I felt excited with him. I felt in love. I felt cared for. I felt interested in. I got attention. But once he asked me to move in with him and his family so we could save to buy a house, it felt suffocating. I thought I was compromising temporarily to save money and get the house. But even with that he moved the goal post. He couldn't cope if the house was more than 10 minutes drive from his him. She is a traditional Pakistani Muslim woman who speaks English and works a full time job and drives. She had a minor heart palpitation that turned out to be down to cholesterol. But for this he needed to be close to her if anything happened. And she played on it too. She has two sons. But she'd only ever pester him. The other son was 26 and lived in his bedroom playing games all day.

I remember asking if me and him could sit down and have a date day dinner at home. But he said his mum would feel left out. And so we never could. She always acts so sweet and understanding. But there is never a celebration of independence of anyone in that house. There isn't any kind of encouragement to grow up.

I'm just feeling annoyed at myself and confused. I feel before we moved in I genuinely didn't see the problems or even his low self esteem (which was and would be a problem for cheating to happen). But then I moved in and I could see the problems and I talked to him and he kept promising we would buy the house soon. I took myself abroad and lived in Australia to meet my own needs of independence, autonomy, and freedom. But he could never unify with me. I suggested we went to couples therapy because I was fresh out of ideas. I had been taking the horse to water, but I was failing to notice that I couldn't make it drink. I thought I had problems and so I adapted. He told me to practise gratitude and so I did. But it felt like having a pacifier shoved in my mouth. I did everything to make him happy. He then struggled with excessive appetites. Smokes too much weed, eats too much food, and now apparently sex/sexuality is a problem for him too. So much so he would go on lads holidays with his friends and attend strip clubs and buy lapdances every time. Then this time when he went he apparently went to a massage parlour. He claims he recognised his temptations and told himself he wouldn't say yes, if services were offered. As soon as they were he said yes and even paid extra for it to be naked. That parts makes my stomach turn the most. He even told the woman to stop at one point when he thought it was going to be penetrative as he knew he didn't want to do that due to catching anything.

Along the years he admitted he danced with a girl in a club and deep down wanted to sleep with her. He still can't admit things like that fully, he uses phrases like "I don't know how far I would have gone." It's all people that had no choice in it. If you're paying someone to do something they're doing it put of business. But these people would never want to actually touch you.

I feel hurt by it all but because there wasn't an element of EA or even a continuous PA with a single person continuously over an extended period of time, I feel grossed out and like I can't be too distraught. It feels internally embarrassing even to myself.

I do think it'll take him years to work on the many problems he has. I do think he could recover himself. But he's also just kind of stupid. He said this himself. It appears that over the years many conversations we've had, has been him performing and regurgitating my own information back at me to make it seem like he understood. His own therapist even said to him "I can talk about what the problems are, but I can't manufacture that insight for yourself." And I just think it will never happen if he continues to live in that house coddled by his mother and not implementing any boundaries and having his own private space and struggles to learn.

I need to stop caring. I really desperately need to. Even with all the spelling it out, he couldn't get it anyway. So I need to learn to walk away.