(24m) I’m at a crutch. for years i’ve been in this endless cycle where i attach myself to a woman and allow her affection, validation, support, and comfort to be my higher power. it works well for only about 3 months or so then it crashes due to the person becoming overwhelmed or me realizing that the partner is not a healthy person to rely on.
it’s dehumanizing and only causes hurt to the women i’ve attached to and the people who care about me because at the end of it, i crash super hard and have abandoned all things that are important to me in the process of attaching myself to the affection from that person.
i’m there again, i feel like an immature child. even typing this out feels immature. i relapsed yesterday on porn and attachment because of a break up. i was going strong for 6 days with no porn too beforehand.
my biggest problem is that all of these negative behaviors have been reinforced for so long that it’s all i want to do now that she’s gone. i wanted to get better before we broke up and i told her i would but in actuality it was only to keep the relationship going. but now that it’s over, i just want to retreat back to what i know and what feels comforting to me.
i know it’s wrong, i know it just makes me worse, i know it holds me back, i know that if i continue down this path that im going to continue to hurt more and more women in the process, and i know that i wont progress forward in my life and will continue to act as a child searching for somebody to cradle my insecurities.
what do i do? i have a sponsor but im reluctant to ever meet with him because he lives so far away and I haven’t told him i relapsed yet. i go to meetings but i feel like ive just use the meetings to cope with my breakup and not actually put in the work.
im tired of being this way but im also not. idk what to do.