My boyfriend(32M) and I(38F) of almost 4 years are struggling.
Long post- I’m sorry, I’m anxious! My boyfriend (32M) and I (38F) have been together almost 4 years and I genuinely can’t tell if we’re going through a rough patch or if I’m sensing the beginning of the end.
Last Saturday we had a big conversation because he’s been frustrated with my sleep schedule and waking him up at night. During the talk he said he’s been unhappy, emotionally drained, feels like we’ve been going in circles for months, and doesn’t know if he sees a future with us “the way things are right now.” He also said he “can’t give me what I emotionally need right now” and maybe that’s unfair to me.
But at the same time, whenever I calmly bring up maybe separating or moving out for a while, he immediately says “that’s not what I’m saying” and acts like he absolutely does NOT want to break up. He still sleeps beside me, includes me in future plans, texts me during the day, sends me videos, and we’re still affectionate/intimate sometimes.
I never thought THIS would be the relationship where I’d be searching the internet and Reddit for advice. What makes this harder is he’s actually very good at communicating compared to past relationships. He’s usually the one who brings up issues/problems first instead of shutting down or disappearing.
Another layer to this is that over the last year his career, finances, confidence, networking, etc have all absolutely skyrocketed after having a rough previous year where I stayed very supportive through everything. Now sometimes I feel like he wants me operating at the same “level” as him in terms of structure, schedule, momentum, productivity, goals, etc and I honestly don’t know if that’s true or if my anxiety is making me spiral.
Since that conversation though, I’ve become extremely anxious and hypervigilant. I already struggle with anxiety/depression, so now I’m overanalyzing EVERYTHING because the emotional atmosphere feels exactly like my past relationships right before they ended.
Tonight we got into tension over something small and during it he made a comment like “we’re not married, we’re just a couple,” which honestly crushed me. Since then I feel like I’ve been acting insecure and unlike myself. Asking things like “do you like my hair?” “Do I look pretty?” “Did you miss me?” because deep down I’m really asking if he still loves me and wants me.
I know I’m contributing to the cycle because I can feel myself becoming more emotionally anxious, clingy, and reassurance-seeking the more disconnected I feel from him.
My question is:
Is this kind of thing normal in long term relationships? Do couples actually recover from this anxious/pursue-withdraw dynamic? Or does this usually mean the relationship is slowly dying even if neither person fully wants to end it?
Also genuinely asking:
Do some men go through a weird ego/confidence phase around their early 30s when their career and finances suddenly improve? Like a “leveling up” mindset where they start questioning relationships/lifestyles that previously felt comfortable? I’m not trying to insult him, I’m honestly trying to understand if this is a known thing or if I’m just catastrophizing.
TL;DR:
Boyfriend says he’s unhappy/drained and can’t give me what I emotionally need right now, but also says he does NOT want to break up. Since that conversation I’ve become anxious, insecure, and hypervigilant because the relationship now feels emotionally similar to my past relationships before they ended. His career/finances/confidence have also massively improved recently and I sometimes worry he’s emotionally outgrowing me. I can’t tell if this is fixable or if I should emotionally prepare myself for the relationship ending.