My mother praised my boyfriend until we started dating. Now she wants me to keep “spare guys”
I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for about a month. Before we got together, I was in the hospital for several months. My boyfriend (then just a friend from college) visited me daily. My mother loved him—called him “my son,” said “any girl would be lucky to have you.”
Then we started dating. Her attitude flipped overnight.
Now she tells me not to be “too faithful,” to keep “spare guys” on the side, and to talk to other men because I’m “too young to settle.” She keeps pushing me toward older, financially stable men, even though I’ve said I’m happy with my boyfriend, who wants to become a pastor. I understand the financial challenges, and I choose him anyway.
But here’s the part that still haunts me.
While I was in the hospital, a 36 year old doctor showed romantic interest. I wasn’t interested (age gap, power dynamics, different faith). After I was discharged, he invited me to dinner. I cried and begged my mother not to make me go. She comforted me, saying it would be “fine” and “good experience”—and then decided I had to go. So I obeyed.
He took me to his room. Nothing physical happened, but at one point, he told me he found me very attractive and that he would “literally r**** me” if I resisted. Then he laughed and said I was too sensitive. I know it wasn’t a joke.
My mother knows about this. She still encourages me to “consider” older men. Even asks if i still talk to him and told me to give him a chance, and it is all just a misunderstanding. She advised to at least keep his as a "backup". I never told her I already blocked him.
Part of me thinks maybe she just wants me to be safe and financially secure. But another part of me is furious and scared. Is her concern reasonable, or is this controlling ?
TL;DR: Mother flipped from praising boyfriend to telling me to cheat. She forced me to have dinner with a doctor who threatened to rape me, then dismissed it. Is she being reasonable or controlling?