Depressed at my job, feeling so stuck
I graduated college in May 2025 into a brutal job market, especially for my field (I studied computer science, I am a software engineer). I know I am lucky to even have a job right now, trust me. I accepted the first job offer I got after a brutal search (over 700 apps spanning a year, with some breaks in-between).
Flash forward to 8 months later in said job, and I have never been so miserable in my entire life. I moved 2500 miles away from all of my family and friends for this job because I didn’t think I had a choice and I didn’t know when the next offer would come along. My company is small and everything is so disorganized and dysfunctional. I have zero guidance as a junior dev, thrown into the deep end constantly, there is extreme unprofessionalism across the board, really weird god like worshipping of a CEO with anger issues, funding issues (there has been layoffs since I got here), regular requests for overtime and weekend availability, job requirements that changed and were made very vague in the offer letter, and… genuinely everyone is openly miserable and facing extreme burn out.
So many of my co workers have talked to me about how miserable they are. One even told me that he dreams of crashing his car and dying on the way to work because it’s that bad. I also had a higher up pull me for a personal chat and tell me that he hopes this job and the insane working conditions doesn’t ruin SWE for me, and told me to apply hard and get out as soon as I can for my own sake.
I’ve been hard applying for 4 months, about 300 applications at this point. I’ve only gotten one interview and 3 OAs. I try everything I can, I’ve asked 6 friends from college for referrals. But they haven’t let to anything yet. I also regularly network on linked in and follow all of the “job search hacks” I am sure we all already know.
I feel so stuck right now. I know I hate my job and I know it needs to change. I know it is the source of my misery. But even though I am working so hard to change it, nothing has shown for it yet. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory right now. Working a job that I fucking hate and spending all of my remaining energy applying to jobs and practicing for coding interviews on a daily basis.
I have never been so depressed in my life. I got diagnosed with clinical depression as a result of my job recently, and am going on anti depressants for it. I go to therapy weekly. But I cry every day. I can’t remember a day when I haven’t cried. I am so stressed out that my hair falls out in clumps. I feel physically ill on a daily basis, I even throw up some mornings because of how much I hate my job. And on top of all of it, I am extremely lonely and isolated in a city so far away from my entire support system stuck in a job that I fucking dread.
I feel hopeless job searching, like nothing will ever change for me. I’ve never had such bad mental health in my life. I am truly falling apart. For the first time in my entire life, I have genuinely had suicidal thoughts.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you get through it? I am really struggling right now.