My partner was either sexually assaulted or he cheated - but where does that leave me?
TLDR at the end if you don’t want to read!
My bf of 8 years (27m) and I (26f) live downtown (city centre) in a city that hosts an internationally recognized festival for roughly 10 days.
On Thursday night it was my bf’s yearly company party for this festival, which had an open bar and we all attended. Following the party a bunch of my bf’s coworkers and him went to a concert at one of the music festival tents and I returned to our apartment, which is in the middle of the downtown area.
I went to bed following the party as I expected my partner not to get home until the early hours, and have never had any reason to have concerns about him, especially since he is a muscular larger guy. He woke me up at 1:30 am freaking out and pacing beside our bed, before blurting out that he cheated on me.
This is where my head starts to hurt because of the story that follows; He told me that he walked home and as he was scanning into our apartment building he heard someone yelling at him from their car. A girl had pulled over and was gesturing him over to her car, so he went over because he thought she may need directions and was lost (which has happened before). I don’t know what was said at this point but he got into the car, where the girl then proceeded to tell him she was DD for her friends, she has a boyfriend, she’s clean from STI’s and then kissed him before pulling his pants down and going down on him. He said that between the booze and shock his penis didn’t get hard and then when he realized what was happening left the vehicle.
He said he was very drunk, which I know is true because he had been drinking since midafternoon at the party with an open bar and then continued at the concert. He said he didn’t reciprocate anything, he said he didn’t touch her. I said it sounds like he was taken advantage of then, and that he didn’t provide consent. If one of my female friends told me that they thought they were helping someone with directions and then that person proceeded to put themselves on them without consent and they were in a state of shock - it would be rape.
Here is where I am struggling now, he still chose to get into that vehicle, to not just say « I have a girlfriend » and walk into our building that was feet away, but he said he didn’t think anything like that would happen when he did. Based on how our street is laid out she would have had to follow him from one of the main roads a couple blocks away as it’s pretty secluded, which is horrifying in itself. I still feel betrayed because for a split second he chose against us by getting in that car but then I feel bad because no one deserves to be assaulted. He has never given any indication of cheating tendencies or pre-disposed behaviours, he’s pretty socially awkward and doesn’t even like talking to others.
His immediate remorse and absolute panic after tells me he was freaking out, and he knew what he had just done what I’ve always said was unforgivable for me. I’ve had previous partners cheat on me and have always said that I would break up with him immediately. But this doesn’t feel like any of those previous times.
We talked that night and didn’t sleep, and continue to talk whenever something crosses our minds. But I’m hurting and spiralling in self doubt. It feels like I’ve felt every stage of grief concurrently and they’re all trapped beneath my skin but I’m going to explode. I keep wanting to blame myself, like I wasn’t good enough, or this relationship wasn’t enough, for him to choose something else but he didn’t really choose something else in a conventional cheating sense. We are currently choosing to stay together but I told him that I need him to show up for us everyday, fight for the relationship, and he agreed. He is getting tested and we will not engage in anything until he passes a test and a secondary one a month later (he researched the possible STI’s that he could get from oral and their incubation periods).
I guess the point of this is I don’t know what to feel, and feel like I’m going crazy. I feel sympathy for my partner potentially getting assaulted but I’m hurt and betrayed by his choice to put himself in that vehicle. Am I being unsympathetic for someone who was assaulted? Am I valid in all of my feelings, or am being selfish?
tldr: Bf was incredibly drunk from partying and didn’t realize a car followed him home. He chose to get into car with girl to help with directions but she instead kissed him and tried to give him head but says he never reciprocated. He woke me up and immediately told me what happened, sounds like he was taken advantage of and didn’t consent. But where does that leave me? I’m betrayed and worried and hurting but worry I’m not being sympathetic enough for my partner who I believe was assaulted.