Rules for avoidance
About 5 years ago, I finally cut contact with my mother who was my primary abuser. After doing so, my behavior changed wildly and immediately. I was no longer (as a whole person) interested in doing things I enjoyed. I stopped having any interest in leaving the house, I removed any spontaneous behavior and started ignoring internal wants/needs. Over time, it all was determined to be a set of rules that I followed perfectly.
They're oddly specific, too. Don't think about anything beyond surface level, be as quiet as you can with everything (including tiptoeing around the house), don't initiate intimacy with your partner or form a deeper connection with him, never accept any wrongdoing and always fight back no matter what, stick to a super strict routine, never do any hobbies and only watch TV or play video games. The list goes on. I'm not even "allowed" to get drunk if I want. I've never had an alcohol problem and used to enjoy it on occasion. Now, it's 2 drinks and I'm done, even if I want to drink more. I was never like that as an adult prior to discarding the dead weight that is my mother. I just became incredibly avoidant to showing anything that could be perceived as a vulnerability or that would allow any emotional processing to occur.
Somehow, there's only a few parts that aren't affected by these strict rules. I'm struggling to find a way to allow myself to be me again. I'm just a dissociated ball of anger now, and it's been 5 years. I'm so tired of being a ball of anger. I've been trying to force myself to do things I used to love again. I even painted a few days ago, and I've started learning how to maintain houseplants. There's been a very strong urge to ignore my plants and let them die. I even pushed past the internal resistance the other day and actually had 3 drinks! It's odd to me how much physical discomfort trying to be myself brings.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. My assumption is that there's a part somewhere in there that's unknown to me and is forcing their rules universally as a way to protect me from.....? All I know is it's exhausting to be forced into a box you don't belong in.
Thanks for reading my rambling cry for help.