r/F4481

i don’t know what on earth is happening. different alters I do know about conveniently don’t mention and actively hide other alters that exist, and then something will slip, and then I’ll ask who the hell is [name] you just mentioned and they’ll brush it off. I’ve found that within my system, some alters will pretend to be other known alters in order to hide themselves, will remove information, and will actively prevent anyone from talking about their existence.

with the newest one who’s existed for I imagine a long time, it’s almost like they don’t exist unless they’re actively talking internally to a different alter. the name ended up slipping thanks to one of the kids. and then she would come out, see information written about her on the whiteboard and immediately erase it like nothing was written down, no questions were answered. all evidence removed.

it freaks me out a bit as someone who found out eight months ago that this is happening because at the time there was only six including me, then it was seven, up to nine and now ten. and ten seems to “manage” our two caretakers and came in the other night to stop the rapid switching— all doors inside the “house” opened and she told everyone to go to their rooms immediately. one alter said that (caretaker) is called mom, and this one is basically other mother in coraline just not evil; she’s just strict.

it’s been a fucking ride the last eight months and I have no idea how large systems keep track of anything. I have ten and it’s overwhelming as it is. And the more I find out, the more I’m like “ah! no thanks! I’ll deal with that LATER.”

anything I should be doing? are they coming forward because they feel more safe? is this a normal experience? 😭

I noticed this the other day. I was doing something in the kitchen, and I had made some insignificant mistake, I don't even remember what. anyways, a voice immediately popped up and made some comment about how I'm a fuck-up (or something along those lines). it wasn't my voice though, it was distinct from my "typical" negative-self talk, I wasn't controlling it. the voice was my father's.

I realized this happens quite often. I mess something up or I feel shameful about something, and the voice of my dad is right there to tell me how much of a fuck-up I am.

Growing up, my father was always very quick to tell me how I messed up and disappointed him. he drilled it into my head that I'm no good at anything and I can't do anything right.

I'm wondering if this voice i have might be an introjected alter of him. It's never taken control/fronted from what I can tell, but I know some alters can present primarily (or exclusively) internally.

I suppose it could be some sort of "normal" PTSD response, I'm not sure. I've never tried to really communicate or "talk back" to it, so I don't know.

how do you tell the difference?

I have been struggling with chronic nightmares as long as I can remember. I also deal with sleep paralysis and night terrors related to trauma. I am so beyond tired and exhausted constantly. I am working with my therapist on it but wondered if anyone had any suggestions or things that help them relax and rest. Anything is appreciated!!

It is so nice to find a community for once that treats this condition like an actual trauma disorder. Its been so hard to find a community that actually understands what it’s like to have the extreme lows that DID can bring in a persons life. After browsing here for maybe 5 minutes, I realized for once it actually felt like my experiences were real and valid, because I see people here talking about things I experience.

I recently started specialized part therapy and it has helped me so much. Seeing that it helps you guys too makes me really hopeful. My DID is debilitating and I constantly will forget entire therapy sessions because of it (which someone here made a post about!!! I relate so hard to the entire post, Im so glad you shared it), which makes recovery incredibly hard. I’m glad the symptoms I always consider “too tame to be DID” are in fact shared by you guys here. I always play my symptoms down because people online seem to have it much more together with their parts, being able to talk to them and have headspaces, etc, while I have nothing. Thank
you all for sharing your experiences!! It helps more people than you know!!

I think that's often come up with my psychologist is fights between alters over what to do. I fight to do the easier passive thing, another wants to do in depth research. I can't let them in unless they have a clear, precise plan of what they will do, which is not really a fair expectation because I don't hold it for myself.

Do others experience this? How do you manage it?

About 5 years ago, I finally cut contact with my mother who was my primary abuser. After doing so, my behavior changed wildly and immediately. I was no longer (as a whole person) interested in doing things I enjoyed. I stopped having any interest in leaving the house, I removed any spontaneous behavior and started ignoring internal wants/needs. Over time, it all was determined to be a set of rules that I followed perfectly.

They're oddly specific, too. Don't think about anything beyond surface level, be as quiet as you can with everything (including tiptoeing around the house), don't initiate intimacy with your partner or form a deeper connection with him, never accept any wrongdoing and always fight back no matter what, stick to a super strict routine, never do any hobbies and only watch TV or play video games. The list goes on. I'm not even "allowed" to get drunk if I want. I've never had an alcohol problem and used to enjoy it on occasion. Now, it's 2 drinks and I'm done, even if I want to drink more. I was never like that as an adult prior to discarding the dead weight that is my mother. I just became incredibly avoidant to showing anything that could be perceived as a vulnerability or that would allow any emotional processing to occur.

Somehow, there's only a few parts that aren't affected by these strict rules. I'm struggling to find a way to allow myself to be me again. I'm just a dissociated ball of anger now, and it's been 5 years. I'm so tired of being a ball of anger. I've been trying to force myself to do things I used to love again. I even painted a few days ago, and I've started learning how to maintain houseplants. There's been a very strong urge to ignore my plants and let them die. I even pushed past the internal resistance the other day and actually had 3 drinks! It's odd to me how much physical discomfort trying to be myself brings.

I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. My assumption is that there's a part somewhere in there that's unknown to me and is forcing their rules universally as a way to protect me from.....? All I know is it's exhausting to be forced into a box you don't belong in.

Thanks for reading my rambling cry for help.

ive been trying to think of how my old therapist helped me, because I'm starting with a new therapist in a couple of days and I want to be able to share what was helpful for me.

I know she helped me a lot. I know she was a great therapist for me. but I can't for the life of me remember my therapy with her; i have no idea how she helped me. i don't know what made her such a good therapist; i just don't remember.

and my memory for everything else is just as bad.

I can't remember my week for shit. so when I'm in session and my therapist asks me how I've been or if anything significant came up, I'm seldom able to give a good answer.

I don't remember my therapy sessions, either. I come out of a session and my partner asks me what I talked about, I *might* be able to tell him the general topic of one or two things we touched on. but I couldn't tell him anything specific about what I said or what my therapist said. I couldn't tell him if any progress was made on anything.

hell, even *in* session I can't remember what the hell I'm talking about. I'll be talking and suddenly I have no idea what I was talking about. mid-sentence.

i just don't know what to do about this. how am I supposed to make progress in therapy if I can't remember anything? has anyone else been in this situation and managed to make good progress in recovery?

I'm someone who's not the host, and pretty much all of us besides the host don't identify with our body and look way different "inside". I have a different face, I'm taller, have different hair, differently shaped body, and different style, the last of which being the only thing I can have control over in our body when I'm around.

I'm just wondering if healing would mean forcing myself to give this up somehow, and trying to identify more with what our body actually looks like. I know that's probably hot possible, nor do I want to do that. Looking at myself in the mirror kinda shocks me sometimes because I don't look how I think I do and that feels distressing, but I don't know if leaning into how I want to look is "healthy"???

Or is it just a function of the disorder that we happen to look different, and that it's okay le even empowering to identify with our differences? I dunno honestly I just want to do the right thing.

Other guy (host) might come around and give his insight later lol

I'm lucky enough to have previously experienced a significant fusion between two of my old co-hosts. the process was long and confusing, but the result was incredible. i was at peace with myself, there was a sort of internal harmony I never experienced before.

it is so frustrating for me when I see people talking about how they don't want fusion and they're scared of fusion because they don't want their alters to disappear. honestly, I find it quite offensive.

i understand being afraid of change, I really do. but the attitude many people have towards fusion is 1) incredibly unhealthy (in my opinion) and 2) based entirely on misinformation.

fusion does not get rid of alters or make them disappear. it does the exact opposite. it makes alters come closer together. it makes them infinitely more present. when alters fuse, nothing is lost; everything is gained.

Where did the idea that fusion = "alter death" come from? why have we as a community allowed so much misinformation and fearmongering surrounding fusion to take hold? why has this beautiful thing become so demonized?