u/throwaway-666778

i don’t know what on earth is happening. different alters I do know about conveniently don’t mention and actively hide other alters that exist, and then something will slip, and then I’ll ask who the hell is [name] you just mentioned and they’ll brush it off. I’ve found that within my system, some alters will pretend to be other known alters in order to hide themselves, will remove information, and will actively prevent anyone from talking about their existence.

with the newest one who’s existed for I imagine a long time, it’s almost like they don’t exist unless they’re actively talking internally to a different alter. the name ended up slipping thanks to one of the kids. and then she would come out, see information written about her on the whiteboard and immediately erase it like nothing was written down, no questions were answered. all evidence removed.

it freaks me out a bit as someone who found out eight months ago that this is happening because at the time there was only six including me, then it was seven, up to nine and now ten. and ten seems to “manage” our two caretakers and came in the other night to stop the rapid switching— all doors inside the “house” opened and she told everyone to go to their rooms immediately. one alter said that (caretaker) is called mom, and this one is basically other mother in coraline just not evil; she’s just strict.

it’s been a fucking ride the last eight months and I have no idea how large systems keep track of anything. I have ten and it’s overwhelming as it is. And the more I find out, the more I’m like “ah! no thanks! I’ll deal with that LATER.”

anything I should be doing? are they coming forward because they feel more safe? is this a normal experience? 😭

i (vlogger) became open online about getting diagnosed and immediately people were asking me to make a system name, to introduce alters, etc, and it felt incredibly invalidating and almost immature. childish.

no hate to people who do that— this isn’t directed towards systems who do that.

it really feels like people think “aw so cute!” when it comes to a horrific disorder instead of “this was caused by repeated trauma over the course of a childs development”. it’s really frustrating and isolating.

and when people aren’t viewing you like that, they view you as someone like those awful movies, or they imagine you as someone who just uses little space and disqualify the disorder entirely.

i refuse(d) to give names and specifics online, and people got upset about it! they are incredibly confused why i don’t want to share that information!

it’s not about my alters! it’s about all of us living with this disorder with one brain and one body! if we were friends i’d get it, but these are people who have parasocial relationships with me. and even then, not even my friends know every name unless that alter introduces themselves! I only have one server with close friends I use pluralkit in because those are my FRIENDS.

and i just can’t connect with people on social media about it because they really do focus on the alters and not the disorder being a disorder. it’s incredibly frustrating.

(again, no hate, you do you if that’s your bread and butter. it’s not my bread and butter. that’s okay. i WISH i would feel comfortable to do that so I could have that community, but I just don’t and don’t think I ever will.)

oh, people also wanted to nickname the littles in my system which was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I immediately set a boundary for that and took down a couple videos so it’s 18+ only— alters that slide under 18 and above 18 aren’t allowed to post since they still aren’t fully adults. had to make sure that loophole was pulled tight.

and then I did change my name to represent that it’s more than me, and people got mad that it’s not a real system name. and it’s like… no, it’s not like the cosmo or electra or whatever system or something or other. it’s me. it’s me and other alters. we all encompass one brain, one body. I’M an alter.

it’s just been so fucking frustrating. holy fucking shit.

I wanted to post to educate and take people along on my journey with healing, and it seems I have my work cut out for me.

(if you have an idea of who I am online, please keep it to yourself. I’m under a throwaway for reasons.)

I got diagnosed early june, been receiving treatment for the last several months working on DBT skills and went through PHP, the works

since 2026 started to now, six months later, there’s been two alters come out of dormancy / one of them might have split, they might’ve just been hidden from everyone, I don’t fucking know.

I just heard one of the littles say a different name, referencing that name to one of the caregivers (there’s two).

I’m really fucking hoping there’s not another alter no one remembered existing because that would put us at 10, and that hopefully instead it’s my kidney infection making me go crazy.

I don’t know anyone named [name]. I only know that name from a video game. and the little already said “no silly! x makes sure [don’t know what was said here, I still have really poor communication and “new” alters tend to actively hide information about themselves in the beginning.]”

I’m so fucking scared about the amount of alters I possibly have. no one remembers the full list. no one remembers who fused and who split from where and no one remembers alters that could possibly be in dormancy.

what the fuck do i do? did this happen to anyone else after getting diagnosed?

I know when I was diagnosed it literally tested for if I’m making this all up, and that was marked at 0%. But this kind of shit makes me feel absolutely fucking insane and like this has to be some sort of fucked up joke.

I thought having one host for a long period of time— the longest period of time possible— was the preferred outcome?

Context: I’m newly diagnosed, I’m new to therapy for DID— literally started with a therapist for DID last week— and I’m still learning a lot about the disorder and what it means and what functionality can look like. No one in my system is looking forward to anything fusion wise, but we definitely want integration/communication and less switches and more stability for each alter.

When I posted about having possibly no host, possibly two hosts atm, people told me it’s healthy to change hosts, and it’s been healthier for them to change hosts every few months vs every year or two, and that’s really confusing to me.

If anyone is able to explain this (the more detail the better if you have time and the energy) I’m very interested in learning more.

I’m learning we might not really have a host since there’s so much switching throughout the day and several alters are out for several hours managing things. which honestly has been a really hard pill to swallow. I thought it was me, but I don’t know what to think anymore? We might have two hosts?

it’s between me (idfk what roles I would label myself with?) and our caretaker/protector/internal self helper/gatekeeper (of memories) (she has a lot of jobs). we front the most frequently.

except she has communication with others and it pisses me off because I don’t have that lol. I have to rely on journals for anything. I didn’t know about the system until several months ago. It’s been very frustrating.

And now it’s like… does everyone listen to her? because they definitely don’t listen to me. and I’m definitely not aware of others switching in and out most of the time. I have nearly full amnesia.

meanwhile she can pull memories from others and can lock them up and can organize them neatly and can talk while others are fronting (if they allow her to) and it’s just. ugh. I WISH i could have that experience when dissociating and recognizing myself.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/s/fIAebwk2S3 post here. comments I replied to give more context. Email I sent back to her is in comments.

(host/caretaker blend)

I wanted to update everyone.

I’ll be transferring my care to the new therapist.

My therapist is actually the one that suggested that we transfer my care to the new therapist before I did. new therapist has experience with DID and is going to get formal training. therapist and I said it at the same time: “I think it’s time we… transfer care to the new therapist.”. We’re absolutely saddened and grieving our relationship of eight years.

My therapist apologized for how she responded in the email— she noted that persecutor said outright they weren’t willing to do anything, etc, and she was really confused about what to do, and sees how it made the situation worse. She also immediately gave me information on addiction surfing in my DBT book that isn’t touched on in DBT classes. Persecutor is willing to go over this with me or our caretaker (even though they both have a really conflicting relationship and often go into screaming matches— it’s just that caretaker is usually the one co conscious with persecutor).

We’re all devastated that she’s no longer the fit for us.

I half jokingly said “okay so get your training with me!!!” with jazz hands and she said “aha, I am not willing to use you as an experiment and hurting you more”. She emphasized that she’d love to continue seeing me, “but you need help. now. you need the help NOW.”

she suggested talking to my new therapist about possibly seeing her twice a week or asking what supports I can have outside of therapy.

I’m so sad. I am so fucking sad. We’ve built this relationship the last eight years.

She suggested that I can have an appointment with her every three months to let her know how I’m doing, and that I can always come back. It’s just right now with the new diagnosis, I NEED targeted treatment, and she is not qualified to give that treatment.

the grief is coming and going. the optimism of treatment possibly working is coming and going. the fear of making a new relationship with a new therapist is coming and going. (I saw them once and we connected REALLY well.)

I just wanted to update because everyone was terrified for me, and rightfully so.

I’ll also be asking the new therapist about CBT adjusted for OCD so I can receive help for my psychogenic seizures. they already understand that it needs to be adjusted for OCD (which is great, because regular CBT feeds me more compulsions).

I’m terrified of this clinic because there’s a three strike policy for missing appointments AND you need to give 48 hours notice AND if you miss the appointment you HAVE to pay $200 and I had to link two cards to my account. I’m going to speak with the front desk about my physical health and what to do and if this policy is flexible at all for people like me.

Anyway, that’s the update. Thanks everyone for the support I seriously appreciate it 😭

i’ve had so many rapid switches lately that I couldn’t even track them yesterday. i woke up with a massive migraine. took my abortives (have chronic migraines), i’m okay.

yesterday i went to a triggering location i didn’t know was a triggering location— I was taking my girlfriend out for coffee— and an out of dormancy part did know and didn’t mention it and took control for awhile. the trigger? last place we saw our ex who was on a date quickly after leaving us / ghosting and didn’t even bother to say hi.

and then there was something triggering about the highway for a younger part and asking repeatedly if they were going to visit our father in prison (charges were ridiculous imo and a failure of the system). memories of visits with my mom to the prison (and now caretaker wants to cut mom out of our life).

and then being in the gas station was a trigger for our main caretaker. and then and then and then and then.

I was so dizzy my vision was spinning, I was so nauseous in my throat, heart palpitations, feeling out of breath, almost passing out, my partners kept checking that I wasn’t going to have a psychogenic seizure. I reassured them that I was okay multiple times and that caretaker was getting a handle on things.

persecutor was the one that was mainly out yesterday and did a lot of processing on past and current relationships. they apparently remember every single relationship we’ve ever been in.

on average since tracking them, i have between 26-31 switches throughout the entire day from 8am-11pm.

this is so fucked. has it always been like this? can I even be considered host? I have no idea anymore.

I know I recognize myself the most. I know my partners recognize me the most. I know I remember what I do, but other parts remember what they remember too. is the least dissociative part considered host? But that doesn’t make sense, because we’re all always in some form of dissociation. is it the one that fronts the most? because in that case, there probably isn’t a host. multiple days it switches around who fronts the most.

I have no idea about anything anymore. i’m lost and feel out of control of my life.

NOTE: harm reduction (0 nic vapes that are verified no nic, non alcoholic drinks, no alcohol in house, only have access to pills that are enough for one day) has been put in place for persecutors (also got makeup for younger persecutor part and the older persecutor has been using it as well), and safety plan has been put in place.

I am seeing therapist twice a week.

I just saw my psychiatrist and reluctantly told her about my new diagnosis. persecutor tried to prevent it, and luckily my partner was there to talk about it. I was heavily dissociated but remember what was happening… vaguely.

I hate this. I hate all of this. I want to go back to thinking I have schizophrenia.

dormant persecutor is back into the picture, and now that i know about them and have their flashbacks and urges, I know things I didn’t want to know.

I went over to a friends house in middle school / high school, and she was snorting medications and I told her no a couple of times, and then as far as I knew, we were no longer hanging out.

apparently we continued hanging out. it just wasn’t me. it was one of my persecutors who displays signs of mania hypomania etc except no one knew it was snorting pills. other alters didn’t know either.

and now they’re back, and now there’s constant urges for substances I didn’t know I ever took, and I had to get a no nicotine vape (did research first, it is in fact no nicotine) to do harm reduction. made sure all alcohol is zero alcohol, made sure to put away safety risks, and I only have access to what’s needed for my meds throughout the day.

how much memory am I fucking missing? I hate this disorder so much. I thought I had a continuous timeline of my life, and I don’t. there’s so much that I don’t know because I wasn’t actually present and have full amnesia gaps of.

I remember seeing my friend crushing the pills, her getting out the dollar bill, our friend smoking tobacco from a pipe, telling her I’d see her in school… and I remember nothing else about that friendship. nothing. it’s gone. but this part remembers. I can’t see the memories, but I know they’re there if that makes sense?

how much do I not know? even when others have flashbacks and I know I’m switching and I see them dealing with it and have flashes of memories, it’s all gone once I’m “back”. and then I have no idea what happened.

I fucking hate this.

I’ve had epilepsy the last two years, and nothing came up on the vEEG when checking. they said it’s psychogenic non epileptic AND epileptic (even though nothing came on the eeg— i had multiple tonic clonics before the eeg). my doctor said the only way they would’ve been able to check where it was happening was if i went off my meds. i decided not to do that, because my tonic clonics are terrifying and i bite the hell out of my tongue every time.

during the eeg they had to use ativan multiple times, and each time it did get me out of the seizure. my doctor has pulled away the prescription of nayzilam even though it helped massively.

i’m now at a point where i’m having several seizures a day again and I get auras and warnings and i’m now shaking horribly during seizures and everything tenses up and am aware of everything and nothing can snap me out of them like psychogenic ones usually can be snapped out of. my body is tingling where it tensed up for so long. and i’m terrified that i’ve been having epileptic seizures and not PNES. i’ve also never bit the front of my tongue during PNES, only the sides.

they placed electrodes above my eyebrows, one on each temple further back in the hair, and then the rest of them was on my scalp. nowhere on the rest of my face.

i’m exhausted all the time, i can’t focus, i can’t be out of bed, and i can’t deal with this anymore. what do i even do? i see my epilepsy doctor soon and i’m so scared he’s going to blow me off.

please what do I do. I’m so scared of using the bathroom these days because this happens every time. This has been happening and I didn’t realize it until recently. I typically only go to the bathroom twice a day because of this.

And then I feel like I have to do something about it to replace the feeling with something in my control. It’s awful. I wish this wasn’t happening.

I have two therapists and haven’t been able to get into it with them because my brain always forgets this happens. My partner is helping me remember to bring it up my next appointment. But until then… what am I supposed to do?

[was host and caretaker but I kicked them out. persecutor now. I don’t know how to not kick them out when I’m here.]

I’m grieving so fucking much. We’re all grieving. We genuinely thought it was just schizophrenia and all the other bullshit, but it’s really been OCD and DID. almost everything else except maybe developmental disorders can be removed from my list. even bipolar can possibly be removed and I just…

I don’t know how to get through this. I’m exhausted all the time and I feel awful. No one noticed the cptsd. No one noticed the signs. And I almost resent the parts of myself that I didn’t know about because how could they not tell me? How did I not know? How come it’s here now? I got diagnosed and it feels like a lie. I see it in my charts and I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m so angry. And I feel alone.

we’ve been really taking our time with switching lately to not trigger seizures for host and two persecutors who experience them as well, but then it takes three minutes where it used to take a couple seconds without anyone knowing it’s happening.

I (protector/caretaker) really don’t like the idea of people knowing that it’s happening. It feels disingenuous? Not to discredit people who do have noticeable switches, it’s just we’ve been covert for quite some time and this is very uncomfortable as a primarily covert system. Our switches have our partner guessing who is who most of the time except for persecutors (we know they’re just protecting in their own way. I have so much sympathy for them). Our persecutors really can’t hide their roles when they’re triggered.

Anyway, any advice is very appreciated. Thank you.

(persecutor / trauma holder / idfk)

warning for addiction, sh urges, sui urges

I’m really frustrated. We got diagnosed really recently. Multiple hospital visits due to suicidal ideation and coming to terms with the diagnosis after being misdiagnosed for over a decade with schizophrenia. Host is still trying to convince themselves it’s just schizophrenia even with the confirmed diagnosis of DID.

I came out of dormancy and reached out to therapist for harm reduction and coping skills for addiction behaviors, and she told me that if [host] wants to give her a call later, then [host] can and that there’s an agreement that only them two will work together because [host] is the “recognized/identifiable client”.

I don’t think this is the right therapist for us anymore. We’ve been working with her on and off the last eight years.

I’ve had urges for cigarettes, crushing and snorting prescription pills, alcohol, using a fuckton of weed (hasn’t been recreationally used in months, usually only for pain), cutting, burning self, and it goes on and on and on.

I don’t want to. I just want control. Anything. Anything that can give me control of how fucked up my brain is and how much I fucking remember. not all of it, but a majority of it since my role was “freeze and don’t move because it’ll make things worse”. I have a “twin” whose role was “try to fight as long as possible and get away if you can”.

It’s so fucked. Everything is fucked. I keep messing up the hosts relationships with partners because of how much pain I’m in.

anyway, I chose a different name last night that’s not related to my first abusers name. I didn’t believe I deserved one. I couldn’t feel my body for the longest time last night. It felt like a mannequins or a ragdolls or something. Partner told me I deserve a name and held me while i cried. I’m feeling my body today but I don’t want to because I’m scared of physical flashbacks.

I’m safe I just don’t know what to do. Please help.