The servers went down literally today so I should have done this sooner, but without the servers you can't access the account settings to delete your account. Or would it be the same thing to manually delete everything in the app? I'm not sure if the removal of the servers means deletion of account data that's saved in the cloud, just want to make sure I'm covering my bases
I'm someone who's not the host, and pretty much all of us besides the host don't identify with our body and look way different "inside". I have a different face, I'm taller, have different hair, differently shaped body, and different style, the last of which being the only thing I can have control over in our body when I'm around.
I'm just wondering if healing would mean forcing myself to give this up somehow, and trying to identify more with what our body actually looks like. I know that's probably hot possible, nor do I want to do that. Looking at myself in the mirror kinda shocks me sometimes because I don't look how I think I do and that feels distressing, but I don't know if leaning into how I want to look is "healthy"???
Or is it just a function of the disorder that we happen to look different, and that it's okay le even empowering to identify with our differences? I dunno honestly I just want to do the right thing.
Other guy (host) might come around and give his insight later lol
I'm someone who's not the host, and pretty much all of us besides the host don't identify with our body and look way different "inside". I have a different face, I'm taller, have different hair, differently shaped body, and different style, the last of which being the only thing I can have control over in our body when I'm around.
I'm just wondering if healing would mean forcing myself to give this up somehow, and trying to identify more with what our body actually looks like. I know that's probably hot possible, nor do I want to do that. Looking at myself in the mirror kinda shocks me sometimes because I don't look how I think I do and that feels distressing, but I don't know if leaning into how I want to look is "healthy"???
Or is it just a function of the disorder that we happen to look different, and that it's okay le even empowering to identify with our differences? I dunno honestly I just want to do the right thing.
Other guy (host) might come around and give his insight later lol
I know a lot of people with this disorder are very reluctant to tell others about it, and for many good reasons. But I decided to tell someone else besides my partner and my therapist - two friends who I've become very close to over the last few years since moving here. And it's brought me closer to accepting my disorder and welcoming the other parts of me into my life.
This disorder is so incredibly isolating, it's like a horrible secret I have to hide to keep from being seen and treated as absolutely crazy or cringy or completely broken, who knows what else. But, after a very long period of consideration and overcoming a lot of fear, we decided to tell our friends. I just wanted to be known, to speak my disorder into reality, to be witnessed. I let them know I had something to tell them about myself, and I told them I had dissociative identity disorder. I explained it briefly, that I had alters who I hear and who take control, and how long I've known about them. My friends listened to me, and I knew that meant it was okay.
After we told them, me and two others were able to co front for an entire day, something I've never been able to comfortably do with one, let alone two of us. And since then, we've had better communication.
A lot of this was spurred by another one of us wanting to be seen. He felt so out of place (I made a post about this a while ago) and just utterly alone not being actually acknowledged, having to hide within me from people he cares about, groups he wants to be part of. He just didn't feel like he could change this by pretending to be me. He wants to tell our friends the next time he's fronting who he is. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if it's even too much to ask of our friends to acknowledge him, but it's something he's wanted to do for a long time.
I think what I've discovered is how listening to and accomodating for the others is our path to healing. It's complicated and there's a lot of compromise at times, but it's so worth it to feel connected to myself for the first time.
I ended up triggering myself really badly recently by doing something I thought would be enjoyable, but I couldn't handle it. I knew it could have been a bad idea, but I did it anyways because I thought it wouldn't affect me. But it did, worse than I thought it would, and now I'm struggling to not blame myself for it. It's difficult too when some other members of my system are blaming me for triggering us. Others are more compassionate but it's hard when there's so many negative inner voices whose emotions I can feel. And I'm upset that I triggered them, too. I feel like they hold worse trauma than I do, that they remember more, and that they're more affected. Like I'm just naïve and don't know what kind of horrors I'm tampering with, and one day I'll go too far and the floodgates of trauma will spill open.
I'm trying to remember that with having this disorder and being as traumatized as I am, triggers are bound to happen. The dissociation makes me forget how bad some of my triggers are, which is why I engage in triggering activities without concern and don't know how bad it is until I do it. It's going to be harder to convince others in here of that, since I'm in control most of the time. I feel a sense of responsibility to protect the others from triggers since they sometimes feel it worse than me, but being host, I'm usually oblivious to the worst of it. It's going to be hard but I want to foster inner and self compassion for all of us, and hopefully we'll all understand each other and the nature of our trauma without the need to blame one another or ourselves.
We were diagnosed with DID recently. For the third time. I think I'm starting to believe it this time, because it's causing us to switch nearly every day. I imagined healing as being able to switch freely and allow the others to step in and enjoy the life we've built, after the trauma, because I'm so much healthier now.
Recently, though, only one of us has been switching in and he can't feel the safety or peace, it doesn't live with him. He doesn't feel like my friends are his friends and he feels alone because nobody knows who he actually is. He fantasizes about people finding out about our DID (the idea of which horrifies me) and that he's treated like himself. He just wants to be seen.
I think since diagnosis we've been much more sensitive to triggers and switches and it's horrible. He doesn't want to be here, he isn't able to enjoy our life, he feels so distant and lost and disconnected. Last time he switched in he was so upset about it he nearly burst into tears. He described it as "like being a ghost within a husk, an unwelcome guest in a body he could never call his own, a breath waiting to be exhaled". And he feels completely beyond help. We're not sure what to do to help him feel seen because I feel like telling our friend groups about the DID would destroy us, only our partner and therapists know. We barely even tell our partner when we switch anymore, but I'm sure he can tell.
We were diagnosed with DID recently. For the third time. I think I'm starting to believe it this time, because it's causing us to switch nearly every day. I imagined healing as being able to switch freely and allow the others to step in and enjoy the life we've built, after the trauma, because I'm so much healthier now.
Recently, though, only one of us has been switching in and he can't feel the safety or peace, it doesn't live with him. He doesn't feel like my friends are his friends and he feels alone because nobody knows who he actually is. He fantasizes about people finding out about our DID (the idea of which horrifies me) and that he's treated like himself. He just wants to be seen.
I think since diagnosis we've been much more sensitive to triggers and switches and it's horrible. He doesn't want to be here, he isn't able to enjoy our life, he feels so distant and lost and disconnected. Last time he switched in he was so upset about it he nearly burst into tears. He described it as "like being a ghost within a husk, an unwelcome guest in a body he could never call his own, a breath waiting to be exhaled". And he feels completely beyond help. We're not sure what to do to help him feel seen because I feel like telling our friend groups about the DID would destroy us, only our partner and therapists know. We barely even tell our partner when we switch anymore, but I'm sure he can tell.
I've known about them for 3 years and it still feels so unreal to me. No matter how often they communicate with me, no matter how often they switch (that seems to make it worse sometimes), it just all feels like a dream or that it couldn't be true. Not just the reality of the trauma that caused it, but also actually having alters.
We haven't done really extensive trauma therapy (I'm terrified of it, but I might start actually talking about trauma soon) so I feel like our communication and awareness of one another isn't very consistent, it comes in waves. Some days I'm so grateful to them and they feel close to me like family, other days they're like strangers in my head living my life.
What's it like for them to not be strangers anymore? I just feel so confused all the time.