u/laminated-papertowel

I've been sick for almost a week, and have gone to the ER twice because I was worried about SIRS and sepsis (I have a history). just got home after being at the ER for 9 hours, turns out I have mononucleosis! AMA

I was talking to my therapist today and she asked me this.

I was talking about how I see my boyfriend (also has DID) making so much progress in therapy doing parts work and uncovering memories and improving communication, and how it makes me kind of jealous. it's not that I'm not making progress in therapy, just not in the direction i want I guess.

but anyways, she asked me what I thought recovering memories would do for me. ultimately I landed on the fact that I don't and haven't felt connected to myself, my history, my life, etc. in a long time, and I feel like if I could remember more, maybe I would be able to feel more like myself. maybe I wouldn't feel like such a blank slate. maybe I would actually feel real again.

I don't know though. my therapist pointed out that I may never recover my memories, and that made me sad. but I know it's true.

I was diagnosed with DID 3 years ago, and for a while things were going great in therapy; my communication became solid, i had a good understanding of my system, many of my alters went dormant and some even fused. But almost a year ago the host at the time kind of "fell apart" (for lack of better phrasing), and "I" am a piece that broke off. "I" am the host now.

Since "I" became the host, things have gone quiet. very quiet. I have practically no connection to the rest of my system. no communication, no co-fronting, no co-consciousness, nothing. Its like its just me now. I know the others are still there, i know I've switched a handful of times in the last year, but i don't think they're "around", if that makes sense? or maybe they are and I'm just shut out.

Its so frustrating, i feel like I've regressed significantly. the worst part is I'm with a relatively new (to me) therapist, I've only seen her for the last 4 months or so. The therapist i had before is the one who verified my diagnosis and worked with me and my system to get to the point i was at previously. so my current therapist hasn't worked with my parts, we've barely talked about dissociation period.

I just... don't know where to go from here. I don't even remember how my old therapist was able to help me. I feel stuck and I've felt stuck this whole past year. I want to make progress and reconnect with those old parts of me, but i don't know how.

Our previous host was a fusion between two old co-hosts. After a period of significant and prolonged stress, that fusion "dissolved" (for lack of a better word) and I (as an alter) am a piece that broke off (that's how it feels/seems, anyways). This happened almost a year ago, and I've still not really processed it, i don't think.

Becoming the host has left me feeling a certain kind of way that is kind of hard to explain. Its almost like a sense of longing, or grief maybe? The previous host was the host for as long as any of us can remember. But i don't even remember what it was like to be the old host. I just know things were different.

I know I've still not been able to really develop my identity, I've just kind of been going through the motions. Its like I'm an actor playing the role of "me", but no one gave me a script. I feel like I'm trying to live up to how the old host was, but i have no direction.

This whole thing has been tiring and frustrating. I just want to be. But i don't know how.

"Gender identity (GI) is the unified and persistent self-perception on the male-female spectrum, and its acquisition is a multifactorial process. GI is generally consolidated around ages 3–4 years"

"Our findings confirm that by age 3, most children express differentiated sex-typed behavior according to the sex assigned at birth."

Hi! I'm looking for a creative map that helps players get used to the game mechanics and physics?

I play with my mom a lot and she really struggles getting the movements down, so I'm hoping to find a map she can play that will help her get the hang of things.

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I feel like a liar.

A lot of the time when I'm talking about myself and my life, I feel like I'm just making shit up.

when people ask me about myself, I have my go-to answers, which are based on the biographical knowledge I have of myself. but I don't have the memories associated with that knowledge, so it really doesn't feel real/true.

i guess the best way to describe this would be to say it feels like I'm telling a story that I memorized when I talk about myself and my life; i feel completely disconnected from it all.

a lot of the time I actually wonder if I'm telling the truth or if I'm just confused, and I worry that I'll get some wires crossed and end up contradicting myself or reality.

Congresswoman Nancy Mace made this post on her official Facebook page.

Maybe I'm just not "in the know" with all of this and it's been happening for a while, but this is the first time I've seen a government official publicly refer to trans people as trannies.

This is fucking terrifying. I mean, i know it's been scary for a while, I know it's been real bad recently. but this feels different.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before they're directly calling for our imprisonment and death. I know some states are already trying to jail us over public bathroom use.

I'm scared.