u/laminated-papertowel

I noticed this the other day. I was doing something in the kitchen, and I had made some insignificant mistake, I don't even remember what. anyways, a voice immediately popped up and made some comment about how I'm a fuck-up (or something along those lines). it wasn't my voice though, it was distinct from my "typical" negative-self talk, I wasn't controlling it. the voice was my father's.

I realized this happens quite often. I mess something up or I feel shameful about something, and the voice of my dad is right there to tell me how much of a fuck-up I am.

Growing up, my father was always very quick to tell me how I messed up and disappointed him. he drilled it into my head that I'm no good at anything and I can't do anything right.

I'm wondering if this voice i have might be an introjected alter of him. It's never taken control/fronted from what I can tell, but I know some alters can present primarily (or exclusively) internally.

I suppose it could be some sort of "normal" PTSD response, I'm not sure. I've never tried to really communicate or "talk back" to it, so I don't know.

how do you tell the difference?

I noticed this the other day. I was doing something in the kitchen, and I had made some insignificant mistake, I don't even remember what. anyways, a voice immediately popped up and made some comment about how I'm a fuck-up (or something along those lines). it wasn't my voice though, it was distinct from my "typical" negative-self talk, I wasn't controlling it. the voice was my father's.

I realized this happens quite often. I mess something up or I feel shameful about something, and the voice of my dad is right there to tell me how much of a fuck-up I am.

Growing up, my father was always very quick to tell me how I messed up and disappointed him. he drilled it into my head that I'm no good at anything and I can't do anything right.

I'm wondering if this voice i have might be an introjected alter of him. It's never taken control/fronted from what I can tell, but I know some alters can present primarily (or exclusively) internally.

I suppose it could be some sort of "normal" PTSD response, I'm not sure. I've never tried to really communicate or "talk back" to it, so I don't know.

how do you tell the difference?

ive been trying to think of how my old therapist helped me, because I'm starting with a new therapist in a couple of days and I want to be able to share what was helpful for me.

I know she helped me a lot. I know she was a great therapist for me. but I can't for the life of me remember my therapy with her; i have no idea how she helped me. i don't know what made her such a good therapist; i just don't remember.

and my memory for everything else is just as bad.

I can't remember my week for shit. so when I'm in session and my therapist asks me how I've been or if anything significant came up, I'm seldom able to give a good answer.

I don't remember my therapy sessions, either. I come out of a session and my partner asks me what I talked about, I *might* be able to tell him the general topic of one or two things we touched on. but I couldn't tell him anything specific about what I said or what my therapist said. I couldn't tell him if any progress was made on anything.

hell, even *in* session I can't remember what the hell I'm talking about. I'll be talking and suddenly I have no idea what I was talking about. mid-sentence.

i just don't know what to do about this. how am I supposed to make progress in therapy if I can't remember anything? has anyone else been in this situation and managed to make good progress in recovery?

ive been trying to think of how my old therapist helped me, because I'm starting with a new therapist in a couple of days and I want to be able to share what was helpful for me.

I know she helped me a lot. I know she was a great therapist for me. but I can't for the life of me remember my therapy with her; i have no idea how she helped me. i don't know what made her such a good therapist; i just don't remember.

and my memory for everything else is just as bad.

I can't remember my week for shit. so when I'm in session and my therapist asks me how I've been or if anything significant came up, I'm seldom able to give a good answer.

I don't remember my therapy sessions, either. I come out of a session and my partner asks me what I talked about, I might be able to tell him the general topic of one or two things we touched on. but I couldn't tell him anything specific about what I said or what my therapist said. I couldn't tell him if any progress was made on anything.

hell, even in session I can't remember what the hell I'm talking about. I'll be talking and suddenly I have no idea what I was talking about. mid-sentence.

i just don't know what to do about this. how am I supposed to make progress in therapy if I can't remember anything? has anyone else been in this situation and managed to make good progress in recovery?

my dad called me yesterday. he was talking about how he got like 4 bags of edibles from the dispensary the other day, and he left them outside for some reason. well, some creature, assuming a raccoon, ripped open and ate all 4 bags of edibles. 800mg total.

i know I would NOT be okay on 800mg. how do you think that raccoon is doing?

I'm lucky enough to have previously experienced a significant fusion between two of my old co-hosts. the process was long and confusing, but the result was incredible. i was at peace with myself, there was a sort of internal harmony I never experienced before.

it is so frustrating for me when I see people talking about how they don't want fusion and they're scared of fusion because they don't want their alters to disappear. honestly, I find it quite offensive.

i understand being afraid of change, I really do. but the attitude many people have towards fusion is 1) incredibly unhealthy (in my opinion) and 2) based entirely on misinformation.

fusion does not get rid of alters or make them disappear. it does the exact opposite. it makes alters come closer together. it makes them infinitely more present. when alters fuse, nothing is lost; everything is gained.

Where did the idea that fusion = "alter death" come from? why have we as a community allowed so much misinformation and fearmongering surrounding fusion to take hold? why has this beautiful thing become so demonized?

​

I'm lucky enough to have previously experienced a significant fusion between two of my old co-hosts. the process was long and confusing, but the result was incredible. i was at peace with myself, there was a sort of internal harmony I never experienced before.

it is so frustrating for me when I see people talking about how they don't want fusion and they're scared of fusion because they don't want their alters to disappear. honestly, I find it quite offensive.

i understand being afraid of change, I really do. but the attitude many people have towards fusion is 1) incredibly unhealthy (in my opinion) and 2) based entirely on misinformation.

fusion does not get rid of alters or make them disappear. it does the exact opposite. it makes alters come closer together. it makes them infinitely more present. when alters fuse, nothing is lost; everything is gained.

Where did the idea that fusion = "alter death" come from? why have we as a community allowed so much misinformation and fearmongering surrounding fusion to take hold? why has this beautiful thing become so demonized?

Transsexualism, as defined by the ICD 10, is:

"A desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by a sense of discomfort with, or inappropriateness of, one's anatomic sex, and a wish to have surgery and hormonal treatment to make one's body as congruent as possible with one's preferred sex."

I, personally, was surprised about the word "usually" being in there. I was under the impression transsexuality inherently involved a discomfort with/inappropriateness of ones natal sex.

What are your thoughts on this? Why do you think it's worded this way?

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my dad used to say "I don't know" was my favorite phrase. I'd give him that response to his questions so often, eventually he told me I wasn't allowed to say it anymore.

"what were you thinking?"

"what did you do?"

"why did you do that?"

I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

Because I don't remember. Because I wasn't there. Because I was on autopilot.

I simply just don't know.

And he would get so mad at me when I would tell him this. He would say I was the only person in the world who knew.

He was always telling me to stop giving him a hard time. But I wasn't trying to, really. I was just trying to be honest. I didn't know what else to say. Did he want me to just guess? Did he want me to lie?

I figured I was faulty. broken.

and I guess I was right.

Now that I know I have DID, it all makes sense. I wasn't being difficult. I was dissociating.

my dad used to say "I don't know" was my favorite phrase. I'd give him that response to his questions so often, eventually he told me I wasn't allowed to say it anymore.

"what were you thinking?"

"what did you do?"

"why did you do that?"

I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

Because I don't remember. Because I wasn't there. Because I was on autopilot.

I simply just don't know.

And he would get so mad at me when I would tell him this. He would say I was the only person in the world who knew.

He was always telling me to stop giving him a hard time. But I wasn't trying to, really. I was just trying to be honest. I didn't know what else to say. Did he want me to just guess? Did he want me to lie?

I figured I was faulty. broken.

and I guess I was right.

Now that I know I have DID, it all makes sense. I wasn't being difficult. I was dissociating.

i was in treatment for 2 years with an incredible therapist. in that time I built a strong connection to my system. i had decent communication, and a good understanding of my parts. i even experienced a fusion between two co-hosts. it was incredible.

​

but last year that fusion ended up splitting after spending months in extreme stress. a "new" part surfaced and I had lost all sense of identity, and all connection to the rest of my system. for about 6 months, that part was fronting. with maybe one switch, and absolutely no communication occurring in that time.

​

there was a short window of increased communication and previously dormant parts fronting a few months ago, but shortly after that I was forced to stop seeing my therapist and have not been able to get back in treatment again.

​

since then, I've not had any communication with my other parts. I also don't have any sense of identity, once again. i have no idea which part I am at any given time. not even a clue.

​

i know I've been switching and otherwise dissociating quite a bit, but I've not been *feeling* it. I've only been learning about it after the fact, which is not something I'm used to. it's been very disorienting.

​

at this point, it doesn't even feel like I have DID anymore. i can't see it, I can't feel it. it's making it very easy for me to question if it's even something I have at this point. if it's even something that needs addressing.

​

I've even been thinking of just quitting therapy all together because I feel like trying to work on this without an experienced therapist is just not going to do anything for me.

​

I'm so frustrated

i was in treatment for 2 years with an incredible therapist. in that time I built a strong connection to my system. i had decent communication, and a good understanding of my parts. i even experienced a fusion between two co-hosts. it was incredible.

​

but last year that fusion ended up splitting after spending months in extreme stress. a "new" part surfaced and I had lost all sense of identity, and all connection to the rest of my system. for about 6 months, that part was fronting. with maybe one switch, and absolutely no communication occurring in that time.

​

there was a short window of increased communication and previously dormant parts fronting a few months ago, but shortly after that I was forced to stop seeing my therapist and have not been able to get back in treatment again.

​

since then, I've not had any communication with my other parts. I also don't have any sense of identity, once again. i have no idea which part I am at any given time. not even a clue.

​

i know I've been switching and otherwise dissociating quite a bit, but I've not been feeling it. I've only been learning about it after the fact, which is not something I'm used to. it's been very disorienting.

​

at this point, it doesn't even feel like I have DID anymore. i can't see it, I can't feel it. it's making it very easy for me to question if it's even something I have at this point. if it's even something that needs addressing.

​

I've even been thinking of just quitting therapy all together because I feel like trying to work on this without an experienced therapist is just not going to do anything for me.

​

I'm so frustrated