▲ 38 r/DID

sometimes I miss my pre-treatment selves

I've been diagnosed with DID and in treatment for it for 3 years. Before my diagnosis, my parts were very distinct. we didn't have good internal cooperation or understanding, but awareness and some communication was present.

Shortly after my diagnosis and early on in treatment, I found stability. My comorbid mood disorder was finally being appropriately and effectively treated, I was no longer living in active abuse, and I had learned a good amount of coping skills to help me get through.

After reaching stability, there was a significant shift in my system; I went from switching multiple times a day to maybe once a week, most of my parts went dormant, and I experienced at least one significant fusion. With these changes came even more stability, as well as improvement in my functioning and quality of life.

But also came the quiet. and I was fine with the quiet for quite a while; I was doing well so it wasn't a bother.

Come last October, I split a new part after months of continuous and immense stress. When this split occurred, I had lost all communication and connection to the rest of my system. I had also lost all sense of identity and connection to myself and my life. and that's when the quiet really started getting to me.

it's hard to explain, but when I had more active parts, I felt less alone. And I know it's not healthy, but I miss that.

I don't miss the dysfunction, but I do miss the noise.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 9 days ago

getting dropped as a client immediately after a suicide attempt has to be one of the worst feelings ever

this happened a few months ago and thankfully I'm doing a lot better now, but I was with those providers for 3 years. I trusted them and they helped me so much in that time.

I entered a depressive episode and was struggling for months before my psych decided to change my meds. she told me it was probably the moderate dose of antipsychotics I'm on causing me anhedonia, and she wanted to lower my dose. she had previously told me raising my dose wouldn't help my depression at all, so I agreed to lower it.

I almost immediately entered a BAD mixed episode and ended up attempting suicide. I told my therapist about it the day after and she told my psych. I requested an emergency appointment with my psych, and was met with a response telling me she was actually cancelling the rest of our appointments and dropping me as a client. I asked my therapist about it, and she said she was going to do the same.

I was not referred to any other providers. I was not directed towards crisis services. No continuity of care was established or even attempted.

They did call the police on me though, so there's that I guess.

I ended up going inpatient for 9 days following this. thankfully my med situation was an easy fix, they just had to increase my antipsychotic dose one step higher than what I was originally on 🙃

This happened 5 months ago, and it still pisses me off and hurts. These providers were the only ones I had ever seen (in the decade I've been in the mental health system) that actually understood my complex comprbidities and were able to help me with them.

The grief I felt losing these providers I still feel, though thankfully not as intense anymore.

I did end up reporting my psych to the state licensing board and she is losing her license, so that's good at least.

u/laminated-papertowel — 14 days ago

reading about bipolar disorder makes me cry sometimes

I was properly diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 19, but struggled significantly with hypomania since 16 and depression since 6.

a lot of the time when I find myself reading about bipolar disorder, I end up crying. not a lot, just a bit. it happens if i think too hard about it too.

it's just so overwhelming I guess, the reminders. needing to be on meds for the rest of my life, knowing that my meds will stop working eventually, the terrifying idea of finding myself in another mixed episode, remembering all the pain and grief this condition has caused me. it breaks my heart that this is something that I really truly struggle with and will for the rest of my life.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 15 days ago
▲ 22 r/bipolar

reading about bipolar disorder makes me cry sometimes

I was properly diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 19, but struggled significantly with hypomania since 16 and depression since 6.

a lot of the time when I find myself reading about bipolar disorder, I end up crying. not a lot, just a bit. it happens if i think too hard about it too.

it's just so overwhelming I guess, the reminders. needing to be on meds for the rest of my life, knowing that my meds will stop working eventually, the terrifying idea of finding myself in another mixed episode, remembering all the pain and grief this condition has caused me. it breaks my heart that this is something that I really truly struggle with and will for the rest of my life.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 15 days ago

I feel like I'm just waiting for my meds to stop working again

I started psych meds when I was 14, and over several years I tried a bunch of different meds that didn't work. It wasn't till i was 19 that I found a med that actually worked for me. When I finally got on the right meds, everything changed. It completely got rid of my depression and mania, and i had no side effects. It was great, i was finally "normal" and actually felt happy to be alive.

I'm 22 now and have had to up my dosage twice in the last few years because the meds stopped being as effective. I'm currently on the highest effective dose of my meds, and I know it's just a matter of time before they stop working again. and I'm terrified.

when my meds stop working, it gets bad, REALLY Bad. I'm truly afraid it would kill me. it feels like it's just a matter of time before I crash and burn. this has made it really hard for me to make any kind of progress in my life.

I know there are other meds I haven't tried that could be as effective as the ones I'm currently on. but I'm honestly not hopeful about it. everything else I've tried has made things so much worse, I just have a hard time believing anything else could help me like this.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 15 days ago

I feel like I'm just waiting for my meds to stop working again

I started psych meds when I was 14, and over several years I tried a bunch of different meds that didn't work. It wasn't till i was 19 that I found a med that actually worked for me. When I finally got on the right meds, everything changed. It completely got rid of my depression and mania, and i had no side effects. It was great, i was finally "normal" and actually felt happy to be alive.

I'm 22 now and have had to up my dosage twice in the last few years because the meds stopped being as effective. I'm currently on the highest effective dose of my meds, and I know it's just a matter of time before they stop working again. and I'm terrified.

when my meds stop working, it gets bad, REALLY Bad. I'm truly afraid it would kill me. it feels like it's just a matter of time before I crash and burn. this has made it really hard for me to make any kind of progress in my life.

I know there are other meds I haven't tried that could be as effective as the ones I'm currently on. but I'm honestly not hopeful about it. everything else I've tried has made things so much worse, I just have a hard time believing anything else could help me like this.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 15 days ago

I was just diagnosed with autism at 22 AMA

I (22m) had an autism assessment a few weeks ago and just got the results back and I am most definitely autistic. I know most autistic people get diagnosed as kids, so I wanted to share my experiences as a newly diagnosed adult.

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u/laminated-papertowel — 19 days ago

real

I spent my entire childhood and adolescence trying SO HARD to treat my abusers and bullies kindly. I never treated them with anything other than kindness and respect. they didn't deserve that. I should have been worse.

u/laminated-papertowel — 21 days ago
▲ 24 r/trees

is there a term for "chugging" a joint/bowl?

like how someone chugs a beverage, drinks it as fast as they can. is there a term for burning through a joint/bowl as fast as you can, hit after hit?

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u/laminated-papertowel — 23 days ago

went to the ER yesterday morning for the worst migraine I've ever had and an elevated temp. they gave me Dilaudid and sent me home. 5 hours later I went back and they admitted me for sepsis..

Yesterday morning around 4am I went to my local ER because I had had an unrelenting migraine for 30 hours and a slightly elevated temp. they gave me all sorts of pain meds to try and get my headache to improve, nothing helped. they did some blood work and it came back "mostly normal", so they gave me some Dilaudid (which still didn't help my head) and sent me home, told me to come back if things got worse.

well, things got worse. 5 hours later I came back to the ER with an even worse headache and a fever of 103.7.

thankfully I had a different care team, and they ordered a lot of other tests - blood work, urine sample, even a spinal tap.

They could tell I had an infection of some sort that was rapidly getting worse, and wanted to rule out meningitis, so they admitted me.

My labs came back and good news! no meningitis. bad news, they can't figure out what this infection is or what Is causing it.

They know enough to be treating me for systemic inflammatory response syndrome and sepsis. they've got me on hella antibiotics and antivirals.

The mildly infuriating part is that they sent me home the first time with minimal testing and minimal help. Also, my "mostly normal" blood work had CRP levels of 57 (normal is 3-5). and it's almost doubled as of this morning.

u/laminated-papertowel — 26 days ago

thanks, dad

My dad was always emotionally abusive and neglectful in my childhood and adolescence, something that significantly contributed to my depression and anxiety (something I started struggling with when I was 6).

I was 14 when I finally worked up the courage to tell him the way he was treating me was affecting my mental health; it was making me anxious to be around him, it was making my depression worse, and it was a big factor in my suicidality.

his response? "well you be get used to it or stop doing things to piss me off because I'm not changing my behavior to make you feel better".

a year later when I almost had an attempt, I wrote him a (very angry) letter that basically told him I hated him because of how poorly he treated me and he was a big reason why I was so suicidal. I was placed inpatient before I could go through with my plan, but he found my letter and after he read it he told me he "wished I had told him about all the problems in our relationship before it got this bad". but, I had.

shortly after I got out of the hospital I tried doing therapy with him and brought this up, and he just straight up denied it; "I never said that"/"that's not something I would say".

and he wonders why I don't talk to him about my mental health and why I don't go to him for support.

u/laminated-papertowel — 1 month ago