u/EtherealDream2020

Hi,

I have been involved/married with my FA person for 10 years. She also has BPD, CPTSD, among other things. Pretty sure she has heavy narcissistic traits.

We share two children, and currently on our third separation. Each discard has been absolutely brutal and worse than prior.

Up until recently, I always tried giving her the benefit of the doubt that it's her trauma, wounds and past issues that are contributing to everything that transpired.

Recently, I ran into her a couple months (no contact) after the last discard and she's involved with someone I thought was a friend. Fairly confident it started while we were together. So needless to say I feel pretty betrayed by both of them. My situation is complicated, but I do have reason to suspect she is doing this to hurt me for whatever reason. She's clearly still emotionally reactive to me because she raged when she saw me with another female.

I guess I'm at my point where I woke up and can no longer justify her actions or hope for the best. I'm seeing things for what they are. She's hurt me far too much, and objectively has ruined my life (my situation is a crazy long one) . One thought lead to another and now I'm questioning the entire 10 year marriage/relationship.

Was any of it real or was I just mirrored by a hollow person?

Do Avoidants actually love in some capacity or was I used? I don't know if she ever cared for me or if any of it was ever genuine. She manipulated to get what she wanted.

Did any of it actually mean something genuine or sincere?

Did I waste 10 years of my life (outside two beautiful children)?

Why do Avoidants go out of there way to hurt you when you've done nothing to warrant that type of behaviour?

I haven't posted on this sub outside a few comments, but it's getting to that point where I need to start diving into my situation since I've only discovered attachment types a year ago, and I'm trying to wrap my head around how chaotic this journey with my avoidant has been. I have a best seller book-worthy history with my avoidant, but I'll post about that tale another time.

To quickly give some very bare context for this post, I've been dating/married to my fearful avoidant (FA) for 10 years. This includes three separation phases, 14 months, 7 weeks and currently on 3 months now. I share two very young children with her. In addition to her avoidant attachment, she suffers from BPD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and very likely other things that I'm not aware of.

As Avoidants do, there was a long devaluation phase followed by a brutal discard this past March. After that was three months of no contact outside very very minimal words during child exchanges 3x a week.

This past weekend, I went to a rave with my friends. Followed by an after party rave, but at this point most of my friends left and it was just me and my friend, let's call her Ashley. So we head to the afters and we know a bunch of people going. Anyway, we get there and my avoidant sees me with Ashley and clearly looks upset and jealous. Tries to avoid us (we have a small group at this point) for an hour, then leaves with a guy who I am acquainted with and thought was kind of a "friend" as I've run into him many times at other events. I'm like, okay cool.

Yesterday, I get a message from him on Instagram telling me that he and my avoidant are together and they're happy. I don't respond then he says to stop walking my dog in the area (I live a street away from my avoidant and I've been walking this route since 2012). A few other messages. Essentially asserting some dominance or being territorial, and some underlining between the word threats. I ignore and block. Then I ask a friend who is the biggest promoter and up there DJ in my area who this guy is. Turns out this guy is a drug producer and seller, and has some shady connections. Good times and new worries.

My question is... Why is my avoidant so triggered by me and insanely jealous?

She's devalued me multiple over long periods, brutal discards and had time to get over me post breakups. While I was blindsided, destroyed, hurting, wondering what was wrong with me, and well... I'm sure everyone here knows how it goes. If I see her, I leave her be and to do her own thing. I'm not bothered and I just focus on my life or in this case having fun with my friends. I just don't understand why she behaves like this towards me. It's happened every separation.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!