Drunkenly came out to my boyfriend of 4 years
the other night, sunday 10/04, i had came out and told my boyfriend how i was feeling regarding my mental health and how i felt it correlated to my gender identity. Since I was in about elementary school I had knew something was not right, that I wasn't a girl or not exactly a girl. Since I had access to the internet (which was younger than i shouldve had access to it) i posed as a boy, tried to allign myself in male online spaces, and would find myself really uncomfortable presenting or being percieved as female or feminine.
As i grew i was able to label myself, in my time online i posed as a boy and got into my first long term relationship, but I had lied about my age to my partner at the time, so when the time came to reveal my age it didnt occur to me that i could still identify as a boy, and decided to reveal myself as a girl as well. I identified as a cis lesbian for a while, but our relationship fell out around the time i entered my freshman year of highschool.
And around then I reimeresed myself into online communities, finally labeling myself as a trans man and finally feeling confident, i entered a t4t mlm relationship and that was maybe the happiest i had been in a while. I identified as such from my freshman year until my junior year, around that time me and my partner at the times friendgroup falling out, and there on me and him falling out as well.
I continued on w school, all my irl friends knowing and accepting me and socially transitioning relatively well, i was even toying with the idea of starting T. And then I met my current partner, who is a cis, pansexual man, and everything sort of flipped on its head. He is my first IRL boyfriend ever, the man I lost my virginity to, and we have lived with each other for around a year now. When we first started talking, it was over instagram, and I was very open with who I was. He knew this. But part of me thinks he never truly accepted or agknowledged it in his head, choosing to look past it. Because then we hooked up, and later officially got into a relationship, after that point we had plenty of conversations regarding gender and sexuality, of which he had some questionable opinions and takes... but i think the rose colored glasses were so thickly painted that i decided i was willing to let a part of me be pushed aside so that i could be his partner.
our relationship is far from perfect, we have had plenty of ups and downs, some normal and some making me question the integrity and what our relationship is actually based upon. This finally leads me to talk about that night, where i told him in short that i was very depressed, thinking frequently about death and the likes, and how i wasnt happy with how i saw myself, how i wish i was a boy or looked like one. it was a very messy situation, i don't even remember what started the topic of conversation, ive been saying a lot of out of pocket things recently while inebriated, and i think i mustve said something about my mental health that led us onto that topic, and so on and so fourth.
anyhow. he proceeds to tell me that he loves me, and how he supports me no matter what, and says "but, youre not thinking of like, taking testosterone or getting like, surgery... right?" and when i answer "maybe" he gets really quiet, and im still crying on the edge of our bed, just waiting for something anything. He tells me essentially, that he is still pansexual, but that he doesnt think he can date and be romantic with me if I am going to transition. I sort of lose it atp, i mean i dont want to lose him, i dont want to be without him, especially because he would be one of the only people i have that would support me in my transition, my family being either negatively indifferent or outright unsupportive of the idea. So im trying to bargain with him and plead for him to just forget i said anything, he just dismisses the topic and focuses on consoling me instead, and we eventually fall asleep.
in the morning, i dress and go to work, kiss him goodbye and say nothing about it. When i get home, we go about at usual. We dont talk about it, except some comments here and there. and then this morning while im getting ready he asks if i want to talk, i decline because if im honest im really scared to talk about it, and way too mf early for that shit. So now i'm sitting at work and lowkey contemplating my entire life.
im wondering what i should do moving forward, questioning my transness, questioning the legs our relationship stands on, questioning if i do decide to transition if it is the right decision, if i will be ruining my life or finally starting it. im wondering if there are any other people in my position or were before, and what they did? what page can i take from your book? im a mess, and im hoping i can save things and still be who i feel i need to be.
apologies this post is a mess and some things might not correlate 😭 im just writing as things come to my brain, trying to include context to my life and therefor my situation.
edit: i don't know if anyone will be interested or that invested, but i will probably update here or make a completely seperate part 2 update when we talk, as i needa hype myself up to do ts im sweating bullets dancing around it. thank you all for sharing your experiences, your advice, kindness, even the bluntness is welcomed. i need it, i needed a wakeup call. i want to be able to post on this sub again with updates on my transition, not continuous sad advice asks. i want to be able to report to yall that im getting my first binder, going to my first queer bar once i turn 21, my appointment for my first T shot. I want to share the good, moving forward, i dont want to constantly ask for help about the bad as it happens. if i make a bad or unwise decision after this regarding my relationship or unregarding it, i wont constantly complain. as ive made my bed. but i want to live my truth, live my full life, live as i know i should be. and im excited for that possibility!!!! making this post has given me more strength than i have known, thank you all.