u/EuphoricCosmo

"Us."

I love the way that sounds.

I'd be a liar if I told you I hadn't thought about us because frankly that's all I think about these days.

I've seen the way you compose yourself around me and I act like I haven't noticed, but the truth is I have noticed. I see everything.

The way your eyes reserve a little extra sparkle just for me, how your smiles holds an extra warmth that lingers long after my departure. The way your voice gets softer and almost falters at the mere prospect of even saying my name -and oh how I love to hear you say it. Despite all of your best efforts to not give the game away, you've already told me a thousand times.

I could go on about all the little quirks that make your affection so uniquely mine, though my favourite is when your usual coyness becomes the most unabashed bravery. I love when that inner playfulness spills out of you and it's like caramel dripping sweetly yet seductively. If anything tempts me to both forget and indulge all of my senses at exactly the same time it's that.

When that lioness within you shows itself and I know that she's not here to play she's here to get what she wants.

What if we both want exactly what you want?

Then the game is over.

Instead, we play on. One carefully placed move at a time, dancing along the very edge of the line knowing that if either of us was to tip over,  there would be no going back.

Why do we deny ourselves the privilege of our most primal desires? Is it really a defeat when the battle ends in only love? Is it really defeat when what started as two lone rangers seeking nothing but survival ends in needing nothing but us?

"Us."

I love the way that sounds.

I'd be a liar if I told you I hadn't thought about us because frankly that's all I think about these days.

I've seen the way you compose yourself around me and I act like I haven't noticed, but the truth is I have noticed. I see everything.

The way your eyes reserve a little extra sparkle just for me, how your smiles holds an extra warmth that lingers long after my departure. The way your voice gets softer and almost falters at the mere prospect of even saying my name -and oh how I love to hear you say it. Despite all of your best efforts to not give the game away, you've already told me a thousand times.

I could go on about all the little quirks that make your affection so uniquely mine, though my favourite is when your usual coyness becomes the most unabashed bravery. I love when that inner playfulness spills out of you and it's like caramel dripping sweetly yet seductively. If anything tempts me to both forget and indulge all of my senses at exactly the same time it's that.

When that lioness within you shows itself and I know that she's not here to play she's here to get what she wants.

What if we both want exactly what you want?

Then the game is over.

Instead, we play on. One carefully placed move at a time, dancing along the very edge of the line knowing that if either of us was to tip over,  there would be no going back.

Why do we deny ourselves the privilege of our most primal desires? Is it really a defeat when the battle ends in only love? Is it really defeat when what started as two lone rangers seeking nothing but survival ends in needing nothing but us?

There's something powerful about the union of two beings who unexpectedly found each other. We were two planets, each with our own life forces, completely functional without each other. Complete without ever knowing of the existence of one another. Spinning through the ether, perfectly, exactly as God intended.

And then we met. It didn't take long for me to realise that everything that felt complete already was better with you. Your presence is like a golden shimmer, full of radiant sparkle, coating everything in its path as though you were Midas himself. Your eyes hold the ancestorial wisdom of everyone who's come before you, the true depth of an undiscovered ocean. As blue as the calmest waters and as grounding as the shores that greet the sailors. Everything that you are is confirmation of a deity much greater than I.

But is it possible that the Universe or God, or whatever you believe in, can make mistakes?

That somehow the crossing of our paths was some cosmic anomaly?

You might be wondering, how could that ever be wrong? How could something so elementally pure and full of light ever not be 'meant to be'?

Well, i've asked myself that many times and I'm yet to find the answer. By gaining you, I gained my biggest fear. The fear of holding everything you've ever wanted close but not being able to reach out and touch it. Or worse, to be able to hold but to never be able to have.

Please know that these are not words of regret, but words that are better for the glow of the candlelight. But they're also words that long to be emblazoned by the fire, in all of its glory.

Words that already know that if I burn, then I burn only for you.

"I don't love you."

Of course I didn't. That was impossible and most certainly impractical.

I said the words again, out loud. 3 times. An incantation that I was certain would be enough to stop me feeling the way that I do, and for a few days it felt like it was enough.

The thoughts of you dulled.I kept busy. Mundane tasks suddenly seemed like most interesting thing and my "to do" list shrunk with miraculous ease. I felt relief, as if my mind had finally been lifted of the fog that it had been carrying around without relent.

Then I saw you again. Eyes locked. You said my name with such familiarity. Lovingly, layered with passion and with lashings of desire. Your cheeks flushed as though a simple name was your biggest betrayal. All cards on the table.

And suddenly all the feelings I'd been trying to ignore came rushing back. I'm yours. All yours. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

"I don't love you."

Of course I didn't. That was impossible and most certainly impractical.

I said the words again, out loud. 3 times. An incantation that I was certain would be enough to stop me feeling the way that I do, and for a few days it felt like it was enough.

The thoughts of you dulled.I kept busy. Mundane tasks suddenly seemed like most interesting thing and my "to do" list shrunk with miraculous ease. I felt relief, as if my mind had finally been lifted of the fog that it had been carrying around without relent.

Then I saw you again. Eyes locked. You said my name with such familiarity. Lovingly, layered with passion and with lashings of desire. Your cheeks flushed as though a simple name was your biggest betrayal. All cards on the table.

And suddenly all the feelings I'd been trying to ignore came rushing back. I'm yours. All yours. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I miss you today.

When you're not with me it's like the world stops spinning for a while. I always feel the tug of the invisible string that connects us, and I feel it even more when you're away.

I wonder if you know that you are who I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Sometimes it's not two separate events, instead it's one constant event where you never leave my mind. Like somebody forgot to turn out the light somewhere in my head and you're shining down - radiant and warm and irridescent.

When you're not around it feels like the world has been sucked of all its colour. Like I'm stuck in some loveless vacuum that only allows me the memory of what was good and right and never the presence of it.

You are my joy and my light. The reason I wake up and look forward to the rest of the day. When you came into my life you reminded me what hope could be, something I didn't even realise I'd stopped doing. I was just going through the motions, stuck on autopilot, longing for something, anything that makes me feel even a fraction of the way you make me feel.

Some might call it obsession, needy even. But no, that's not what it is. It's the realisation that somebody like you doesn't come around very often. Nobody touches my soul and sets my heart on fire the way you do. It's like you're the match and anybody that is blessed enough to be in your presence is suddenly alight with a flame of hope.

I miss you today.

When you're not with me it's like the world stops spinning for a while. I always feel the tug of the invisible string that connects us, and I feel it even more when you're away.

I wonder if you know that you are who I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Sometimes it's not two separate events, instead it's one constant event where you never leave my mind. Like somebody forgot to turn out the light somewhere in my head and you're shining down - radiant and warm and irridescent.

When you're not around it feels like the world has been sucked of all its colour. Like I'm stuck in some loveless vacuum that only allows me the memory of what was good and right and never the presence of it.

You are my joy and my light. The reason I wake up and look forward to the rest of the day. When you came into my life you reminded me what hope could be, something I didn't even realise I'd stopped doing. I was just going through the motions, stuck on autopilot, longing for something, anything that makes me feel even a fraction of the way you make me feel.

Some might call it obsession, needy even. But no, that's not what it is. It's the realisation that somebody like you doesn't come around very often. Nobody touches my soul and sets my heart on fire the way you do. It's like you're the match and anybody that is blessed enough to be in your presence is suddenly alight with a flame of hope.

If somebody had told me how much you'd end up meaning to me, I would have never believed them.

It started slowly, the instant click, the looking forward to seeing you the next time, and the time after that, then the slow burn that became a full roaring fire.

It was the way you made me laugh like nobody else. Like I'd been transported back in time, laughing like a carefree child. Your sharp wit, cutting through all the refined versions of me and leaving the very core of my essence. Nobody else gets that and they haven't since.

With you, I want to become better. To be the one that you deserve, the one that wins all of your affection. To be the one that feels like a porch light in your darkest night. The one you call home. Because that's what I feel when I'm with you. With you, I feel like I could become all of my unrealised potential, superior, god-like just by association.  A version of me so complete and fulfilled that it brings out the best in you too.

And that's what I see, when you look at me with those blue, captivating eyes. You look at me like I hold the world in my hands and, somehow, as though you trust me with it too. I can't  even look away because I see all the beauty in you, reflecting the beauty in me.

Maybe that's what it means to truly love. To look at somebody and know that there's nobody else you'd rather be with, right in that moment. To know from a single gaze that they're with you. That they truly see you and they'd do anything to see you win. 

We're not anything.

Just friends.

Friends who exist in the same space and barely even touch. In fact, we've never touched.

Touching would be an admission. Touching would be to surrender. Touching would take whatever this is and turn it into 'us'.

You're my friend. To anybody who looks at us, you're my friend. To anybody who really looks at us, who really sees, they might see something different. The way I hold your gaze a little too long. The way I hang onto your every word because I simply can't get enough. The way my whole body just can't help but get closer to you, when I lean in. As though the fingerprints that you've left in my mind are now in plain sight. I try to conceal them from enquiring minds and wandering eyes. Eyes that see too much and know too much, that catch the longing in my glance.

The same eyes that also catch the trembling hands are the ears that can hear the pounding in my chest when you're near. And when they ask, and I say "we're just friends", it's like all my cards are on the table, like they can hear the regret in my tone. The denial that nobody else quite believes. As though they know that when I hear the words "us" or "we" or "ours" and I think of you and I, something inside me just feels completely right. Like a switch has been flipped or the final jigsaw piece has found it's rightful place. That the word "friend" feels like a hollow imitation of everything I feel for you but I know that hollow is better than broken.

We're not anything.

Just friends.

Friends who exist in the same space and barely even touch. In fact, we've never touched.

Touching would be an admission. Touching would be to surrender. Touching would take whatever this is and turn it into 'us'.

You're my friend. To anybody who looks at us, you're my friend. To anybody who really looks at us, who really sees, they might see something different. The way I hold your gaze a little too long. The way I hang onto your every word because I simply can't get enough. The way my whole body just can't help but get closer to you, when I lean in. As though the fingerprints that you've left in my mind are now in plain sight. I try to conceal them from enquiring minds and wandering eyes. Eyes that see too much and know too much, that catch the longing in my glance.

The same eyes that also catch the trembling hands are the ears that can hear the pounding in my chest when you're near. And when they ask, and I say "we're just friends", it's like all my cards are on the table, like they can hear the regret in my tone. The denial that nobody else quite believes. As though they know that when I hear the words "us" or "we" or "ours" and I think of you and I, something inside me just feels completely right. Like a switch has been flipped or the final jigsaw piece has found it's rightful place. That the word "friend" feels like a hollow imitation of everything I feel for you but I know that hollow is better than broken.

Morning light

The way it pours gently through the windows,

the perfect backdrop to the sound of birds

and the smell of coffee.

To anybody else, these would be the perfect conditions

for a quiet mind.

But I woke with the last words you said to me on repeat,

your smile etched into my memory.

You are a tonic for the soul,

the glow of a porch light in a storm,

the buzz of electricity that ignites

the deepest love within me and I burn for you.

How wrong it is that we're not together.

No words can ever make it right.

You should be here,

wrapped up in my arms,

until morning light.

Morning light.

The way it pours gently through the windows,

the perfect backdrop to the sound of birds

and the smell of coffee.

To anybody else, these would be the perfect conditions

for a quiet mind.

But I woke with the last words you said to me on repeat,

your smile etched into my memory.

You are a tonic for the soul,

the glow of a porch light in a storm,

the buzz of electricity that ignites

the deepest love within me and I burn for you.

How wrong it is that we're not together.

No words can ever make it right.

You should be here,

wrapped up in my arms,

until morning light.

The thing that gets me the most is the way we dance around the very thing we both want.

There's so much said in the silence, when you're next to me. So much desire in the restraint, holding back from all that we could be but acting like there's no feeling at all. There's so much space in the distance between us, I almost hear the call for me to be brave, to give in, to be the one who breaks the tension, to reach out for your hand and let that touch be the words we haven't ever dared to say.

Instead, we both fight silently like two warriors aware of our inevitable defeat, staying safe in our denial. In each others' orbit but never quite giving in to the gravity that would undoubtedly cause us to collide.

I hope you know that I feel that pull. The magnetism that consumes my entire being when you're around, that makes every inch between us feel like the most devastating chasm, a fault line that separates something that should always be. Something timeless and otherworldly and eternal. So close, yet so far.

The thing that gets me the most is the way we dance around the very thing we both want.

There's so much said in the silence, when you're next to me. So much desire in the restraint, holding back from all that we could be but acting like there's no feeling at all. There's so much space in the distance between us, I almost hear the call for me to be brave, to give in, to be the one who breaks the tension, to reach out for your hand and let that touch be the words we haven't ever dared to say.

Instead, we both fight silently like two warriors aware of our inevitable defeat, staying safe in our denial. In each others' orbit but never quite giving in to the gravity that would undoubtedly cause us to collide.

I hope you know that I feel that pull. The magnetism that consumes my entire being when you're around, that makes every inch between us feel like the most devastating chasm, a fault line that separates something that should always be. Something timeless and otherworldly and eternal. So close, yet so far.