u/European_Goldfinch_

Hi everyone,

I'll begin with saying that since I believe God knows my every thought and knows my heart, I know that what I am about to say will not already be known to him. That being said it has made it no easier for me to speak these thoughts allowed to myself or anybody else and the weight of Catholic guilt even writing this puts a firm lump in my throat.

My husband is agnostic/atheist but today was the first time I told him about my struggle and I guess now here I am sharing it with you.

Whilst I will not go into any details that are grim, without being on the ground myself, I have read, researched and witnessed life for Palestinians for maybe around a decade. It is of no news to anyone the escalation of suffering during the last three years, I can confidently say that I have seen the worst of it all without experiencing it myself. Again I will not go into heavy details but I imagine a lot of you have witnessed the same.

Whilst it is not unique for people to doubt their faith in the face of human suffering, a suffering experienced by many all over the world, Palestine has fundamentally changed me as a person in ways I could not predict. I have lost count of the tears I have shed for Palestine, I have been on my knees begging God over and over for the slaughter to stop.

Things have only continued to get worse with no hope in sight and I say this as someone who has read extensively the history before Israel's existence and the lead up to it's inception. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for Palestinians in Gaza, the West Bank etc.

There was a time when the steadfast faith in God Muslims in Palestine demonstrated despite their egregious circumstances and endless suffering had a lot of positive influence on my relationship with God but this has ultimately slowly been etched away at.

I was in contact with a young man in Gaza and for the past few months I have no longer heard anything at all, I am terrified and heartbroken at the possibility that Israel has ended his life. He was so young and just wanted to study and live an actual life that he deserved as much as any one of us.

It's not lost on me considering the fact the Catholic church officially rejects theological Zionism, that I would be essentially letting Israel take my faith from me if I turned away from a God I don't know exists anymore when they have already taken and continue to take so much from people with impunity. Impunity from the world around it and gut wrenchingly what feels like impunity from God.

I saw a comment the other day that read "Hell is on earth and life is the sentence" and I can't get the sentiment out of my mind because that is how I witness the generations of Palestinians lives to appear to be.

Does anyone have any kind advice, bible passages or inspiration for me to help me find my footing again? I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you and God bless you.