I’m starting to resent my stepdad and I feel guilty about it
Hello THT family! I’ve been a listener for years and I finally wanted to ask for some advice. English isn’t my first language, so sorry if anything sounds awkward.
I’m 30 and currently living with my mom and stepdad in Spain. We’re Hispanic, so living with family at my age is more normal culturally. I actually lived alone in the US for two years and later in Morocco for a year, but eventually decided to come back because I missed Spain, my people, and especially my mom. We spent many years apart while I was growing up (she moved to Spain and let me to finish my studies in our home county for 5 years) so now that we’re reunited we’ve become extremely close. At this point, she’s basically my closest family since all my other family is in our home country.
Living with her has honestly been great. We communicate well, respect each other’s space, and help each other a lot. Financially it also helps me while I stabilize myself again after moving around so much.
The difficult part is my stepdad. I do love him, and overall we’ve had a decent relationship, but over the years things have become emotionally exhausting. He used to be extremely hardworking and sporty, but after an injury, weight gain, health issues, and what I honestly think might be depression, he changed a lot.
My mom spent years trying to support him while also building her own life and career. She now has a stable job she loves, and I recently started working at the same company too. Meanwhile, my stepdad struggles a lot with work and motivation. He drives Uber now, sleeps very little, has serious obesity and pre-diabetes, doesn’t exercise, and spends most of his free time sitting on the couch watching TV while constantly talking about wanting to retire and “do nothing.”
The issue is that he complains about EVERYTHING. He gets upset if he has to prepare his own snacks for work, wash dishes, or help around the house. When he does help, he reminds us about it for days. He often expects my mom and me to take care of him like maids while also criticizing us constantly “as a joke.” If we try to encourage healthier habits, he feels attacked. We try to keep stay always positive but we often explode after he keeps with his bad jokes or criticism.
Anyway what hurts me most is seeing how he treats my mom. She has health issues herself (sciatic pain, lipedema, foot problems) and still works hard every day, but he complains about driving her to work because of gas money or mileage, even though public transport causes her pain and takes much longer. He also isn’t affectionate or thoughtful with her. No gifts, no dates, no romance, and yet she still takes care of everything for him: clothes, food, house, emotional support, literally everything.
I think what frustrates me is that my mom and I are trying so hard to improve ourselves mentally, physically, financially, emotionally… while he seems stuck in negativity and resentment. And every day it feels louder in the house.
The hardest part is that I know he’s not a bad person. I think he’s deeply unhappy and probably depressed. I still love him. But I’m starting to feel more anger and resentment toward him, especially because I feel very protective of my mom and I truly believe she deserves better treatment.
I know I have to move out soon and get my own space but right now is basically impossible for me, apart from this I feel that the only person that my mom has to help her for real around the house is me and I feel guilty just leaving her alone.
I guess my question is: how do you deal with loving someone while also deeply disliking their behavior? And how do you support someone you love without becoming emotionally consumed by their relationship problems?