u/Evening_Oil8260

I have thought it about it a little and I am withholding to a dead end. Nothing matters more than what is happening already. The past is dead and the future is confusing, just living is more than enough. Every religion and belief has to do mental gymnastics and cheap excuses whenever you tell them to prove their God is real. Well fuck. We don't know if he's real or not, we don't know shit. All we can do is assume and make predictions or research possibilities of his existence. But thats all up in the air, and when you are starving you try to feed yourself you don't sit back and beg God to conjure you food. Or maybe you do but then you try doing it yourself. Oh so many people so desperately want a parent to care for us and tell us that we have a purpose. Our purpose is stupid, eat, drink, shit, fuck, and die. There's nothing more than that for us. Jeez why am I such a romanticist? I beg to have something to make the impossible possible, but there's nothing more than that of fate to decide on.

Now I will be resuming cramming for my finals.

I cannot ever accept God to be what the Bible, Torah, or the Quran describe him to be. Even if it pains me or sends shivers down my spine for rejecting the sacred texts. I think that God as a idea was created to be the ultimate parent for a hopeless person. Similarly punishing, rewarding, and loving like a parent. But that sounds silly doesn't it?

Instead what I believe in is that God is a infinite architect, who is perfect and just. He cannot be the "Parental God" of religion who micromanages luck or events. It simply isn't logical.

And I personally see nothing wrong with coming from nonexistence only to come back to nonexistence.

I might even argue that religion was maintained not as "truth," but as a social technology designed by "careless pricks" to curb the "assholes" of the world. It uses Tradition and Fear to leash people. It creates scapegoats (like the shunning of homosexuality) to distract the followers from the corruption of the leaders.

Last night I had a nightmare, a recurring nightmare of the decrepit house. There were five bodies were the stagnant records of my past. Where the creatures that frightened me, the "demons" only answered to that name because that was the code word my childhood was conditioned to fear. I realized that I am the elephant who has finally grown strong enough to see that the "leash" is just a memory, not a reality.

There is a "transactional" faith of the religious majority, I reject it completely. The God I believe in is absolutely intellectually honest who is a infinite, sovereign Architect. This God of mine can grant anything, anything. I can even pray for him to make me God, and he can. But it all depends on his choice to grant me what I wish for or not. It is as simple as that. I acknowledge now that I am not owed anything regardless of my hardships or the worship or the forgiveness. I am not owed anything. Afterall, there is no possible exchange rate between the finite and the infinite.

Similarly how can I blame God for the events or actions of nature? It's simply is ridiculous.