our physical chemistry
I don't regret it. I don't feel bad about it. Sure, I miss it. But I wasn't ready for it!! I just wish I'd known how fucked up I was before I fell in love. I was molested by my cousin. I finally fucking admitted that to myself. To my therapist. It sucked. Its horrifying. But it also put this fucking chasm between me and everyone into perspective. Why intimacy was so hard. why I couldn't tell the difference between love and the cold, selfish greed of my first partner. I am trying so hard to heal and learn how to take care of myself, honor my pain and grief while figuring out how to relate to others healthily. I want to heal!!! I am no saint but i don't deserve this pain, this shame, this loneliness that goes on and on and on.
I'm not making excuses for how I treated you. the toxicity and brokenness of thinking I couldn't hurt you, because you didn't love me, couldn't possibly. Were better off without me. Ugh I sucked. I was so afraid of putting any distance between us even when I needed it. afraid that if I held back, you'd leave and never come back. And then i drove you to it. The fear convinced me it was inevitable. I'm so sorry. It was so unfair to put that on you. I wish Id taken more care of your heart. You gave me love without a thought and held me close while i sobbed and I acted like it was torture. Like you were the one who hurt me. Ugh
I can't say I regret meeting you though. Or trying to love. No matter how much pain I put you and myself through. I miss you. It mattered. It was worth it. And tbh I know you still love me though I understand why you may never say it again. There is no way someone who didn't love me would even be talking to me at this point. I've said some horrible shit. And you don't ever have to say it. Just that you're talking to me like I'm a person worth talking to and sharing with still! After everything. You never have to say it again, but that is love. I clearly don't even know what love is for the most part, but I'm figuring it out. I love myself at the very least. A day at a time, but still. That's all one can do.
I want to tell you this. would it matter? I'll try. I just don't want to hurt you anymore.