(Rant) I'm tired of being so tired all the time
I'm tired of watching my coworkers be pieces of shit and get away with it, but when I have an extreme reaction (like throwing something to take my anger out) its an immediate talking to. I'm 26 M and self-diagnosed about 3 years ago. looking back everything makes sense when viewed through the autism lens.
I was bullied often as a kid, even by my only brother. I wasn't safe at home or at school and it turned me into the most cynical, pessimistic person. I have genuinely tried to be more positive but it doesn't stick. Ive tried therapy, antidepressants, but the only thing that makes me feel better/normal is alcohol, but I know that's a slippery slope especially for people such as ourselves.
It feels like no one ever really understands (or deliberately ignores) the intent of my verbal communication.
Every single aspect of life is draining and demoralizing. I don't want to be here anymore. Every day is the same, loneliness, Isolation, awkwardness, and don't forget the whole existential dread of the fact that my body feels like it is falling apart as a constant reminder that I am going to die one day.
I only get one chance at life and I was just lucky enough to be born fucking disabled. Whats the point of metaphorically treading water for so long if i'm just going to drown at the end of it anyway.