u/Evilgf

My partner (28) and I (32) have been together for nearly 6 years and living together for 4. We’re engaged and planning to get married next fall. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with him, and wouldn’t change a thing about our life together. My issues only really start to arise when I see how he gets treated in our very gay neighborhood vs. how I do.

I may be older, but am generally perceived as younger than him due to me being 5’8 and 145 lb and quite feminine/androgynous, while he’s 6’3, 250lbs, and built like a linebacker (I hit the jackpot, I know). Lately, he has gotten much more masculine (getting really into sports, lifting/bulking, butching up his dress/voice) and since we live in a gayborhood and he goes to a gay gym, he obviously gets a lot of attention for this.

Guys come up to him constantly at coffee shops, bars, or in the gym asking for his number. When we’re out together, he always gets approached first. I generally have pretty high self-esteem and like the way I look, but I almost feel like I’m invisible compared to him. As a result, he seems to have a much easier time meeting people than I do since there are more opportunities presented to him.

I’m not at all interested in becoming more masculine for male attention, but it feels like there is an imperative to do so when making friends with gay guys here. It’s like, being fuckable is a prerequisite for friendship, and due to the perceived “top shortage”, a majority of gays are searching for a masculine, fuckable, dom top daddy. Meanwhile I must look like a commonplace and discardable twink (I don’t identify with the term, but I think it's what most guys would categorize me as); an accessory to the dom top daddy who is more of an obstacle to overcome than a sexualized being in my own right. I know that this is mainly my perception, but it’s hard to shake.

I’m wondering how other non-masculine gays cope with this feeling without compromising a presentation that feels natural and comfortable for them?

My partner (28) and I (32) have been together for nearly 6 years and living together for 4. We’re engaged and planning to get married next fall. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with him, and wouldn’t change a thing about our life together. My issues only really start to arise when I see how he gets treated in our very gay neighborhood vs. how I do.

I may be older, but am generally perceived as younger than him due to me being 5’8 and 145 lb and quite feminine/androgynous, while he’s 6’3, 250lbs, and built like a linebacker (I hit the jackpot, I know). Lately, he has gotten much more masculine (getting really into sports, lifting/bulking, butching up his dress/voice) and since we live in a gayborhood and he goes to a gay gym, he obviously gets a lot of attention for this.

Guys come up to him constantly at coffee shops, bars, or in the gym asking for his number. When we’re out together, he always gets approached first. I generally have pretty high self-esteem and like the way I look, but I almost feel like I’m invisible compared to him. As a result, he seems to have a much easier time meeting people than I do since there are more opportunities presented to him.

I’m not at all interested in becoming more masculine for male attention, but it feels like there is an imperative to do so when making friends with gay guys here. It’s like, being fuckable is a prerequisite for friendship, and due to the perceived “top shortage”, a majority of gays are searching for a masculine, fuckable, dom top daddy. Meanwhile I must look like a commonplace and discardable twink (I don’t identify with the term, but I think it's what most guys would categorize me as); an accessory to the dom top daddy who is more of an obstacle to overcome than a sexualized being in my own right. I know that this is mainly my perception, but it’s hard to shake.

I’m wondering how other non-masculine gays cope with this feeling without compromising a presentation that feels natural and comfortable for them?