i don't know if i was raped
i have been with my boyfriend (24 male) for two years now, he is very sweet, he feels safe and takes care of me he is also generous and ambitious and handsome and supportive, he has connections and generational wealth and comes from a good family who absolutely loves me.
we had some minor disagreements but nothing abusive, if anything i was always the one with a temper and he was more patient with me.
the only red flag about him was how easy it is for him to get into a physical fight, he said he gets an adrenaline rush when he hits someone, but he never done it to anyone who didn't attack him first..., he got arrested more than once because of this.
i didn't overthink this before, because it was true that he didn't start those fights
something happened 6 months ago, i have blocked it out of my brain until now.
we have made out before but i didn't go all the way because i wanted to take things slow. but we started growing serious so after a while of being together i went to his house and we talked beforehand and agreed to do it.
when we started i was okay in the beginning he was gentle and made sure i'm comfortable, but he flipped me on my stomach and started being too rough, way too rough, i was hurting, i told him i'm in pain and i told him to get off of me, i told him i can't breathe.
he used his body weight to hold me down, i screamed so much my voice was gone, i didn't even say anything i was just screaming from pain, he told me to say a safe word if i felt anything was wrong so i did, he told me to repeat it 3 times, and i did repeat it i thought he didn't hear me but he did he just didn't care , when he finished he asked if i'm okay but i wasn't completely conscious at that point idk if it's the pain or the screaming or that i couldn't breathe for 10 minutes, he held me and kissed my head and got me water
then started crying and apologizing for "going too rough" insisted to take me to see a doctor, he said he didn't know what got over him and that he just couldn't control himself, i didn't think this was rape i think it was a miscommunication or that he really just went " too rough " i mean i did give consent in the beginning. and he was already feeling so guilty and trying to compensate for what he did.
i had an internal injury after that incident followed by months of painful treatments and complications, the crazy thing i have completely blocked this from my brain i had no memory of this until a few days ago, it was easy to supress it because of how good he treats me and how much i'm in love with him and because even in the following times we had sex he never repeated it.
but this memory keeps resurfacing and i don't know how to live with it. i don't even know how to feel about him.