Is this RJ?
Hi everyone! I’m not sure but I think my partner might be suffering from RJ and it’s really starting to have a strain on our relationship, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep trying to prove the past doesn’t mean anything but he doesn’t seem to believe it. Maybe someone has experience with it and can tell me whether this even is RJ.
The situation is the following: we’ve been dating for 7 months, and for most of it it’s been a really beautiful and exciting time.
However, recently things started to change. In the course of our relationship he’s already confronted me with a few things which him feel unsafe, we managed to resolve them and they were never rooted in anything that he had to actually worry about. Maybe it’s important to note here, that he’s been heavily cheated on and gaslighted in his past relationship.
Now one thing we can’t seem to resolve: in my bedroom there’s a drawer next to my bed. Now in this drawer were also seggs toys, one from a previous relationship (some cheap kind of hand cuff things). I didn’t think much of them, I’ve not used them in a long time. Now my partner noticed them and since then it’s been going downhill. I understand the irritation and threw them away, also acknowledging that it can be perceived as insensitive/ it can be quit irritating to be confronted with ones se*ual past like this. I do feel really silly for this, I obviously could’ve thought to put them away.
However since 4 weeks this topic has been dominating our relationship and we can’t seem to move past it.
I try to explain it was just some fun in a long term relationship, like most people try some things. But regardless his mind keeps taking him to other places and he’s having intrusive thoughts and Images of me doing all sorts of things, which never actually happened.
We’ve had a couple of conversations which felt like an interrogation about my se*ual past, which always leave me feeling somewhat ashamed even though I have nothing to be ashamed of in reality. The worst is, he’s now starting to draw conclusions about what kind of person I might actually be, how I might have a „dark side“ , which is not trust worthy and I keep hiding from him.
It’s so irritating, because for me it’s literally just some old se*toys. And I do understand the irritation but the proportions of the space this has been taking in our relationship are just crazy . Everything I tell him how they don’t mean anything and it was just some fun in a past relationship he becomes soothed, but soon after he starts having doubts, experiencing these images.
I’m at end of my tether. I don’t want to be drawn out as a person I’m not, however I do want to support him in this. All I’ve shown him is loyalty and support because I do love this man very much, but it’s becoming really hurtful to be questions as a whole person like this.
So now my question, does anyone how some advice how to deal with this? For both of us? We’re both really, really trying but we do feel quite helpless with it. The thoughts just seem to keep coming back, no matter how much I explain or show how trust worthy I am..