Hell I just need anything
I'm going to sound pathetic, I know i am. Life has been hard like it has been for everyone, I'm 26 and my 22 year old long distance girlfriend left me, basically abandoned me for another person. I know we had been struggling and things were hard but I thought eventually with enough time we could fix it, I had told her I'd been feeling suicidal because I felt like a bum, I didn't have a job, since then about a week ago I got a job in HVAC, the money is good and the benefits are great but going on to my second week now without her it feels pointless, I hate this job and I hate myself, I hate how bad it hurts me, she is from England I'm American and I hate how bad it hurts me. I'm a grown man I'm 26 but all my life I've struggled with social issues and severe mental illness so dating in person when I did was really hard for me, meeting people online makes it easier for me because it allows me to get a feel for someone before I meet them and my last relationship I flew out to her many times. I'm rambling but I'm saying all this through tears, I hate this job, I hate my life, I hate how my youth feels over I hate myself, I hate who I am, I hate that I breathe, I hate how pathetic I am that this girl I've never even met could hurt me so bad, it's 6:20 I leave for work at 7:15 and I'm dreading this day, I'm dreading this life, I just want to crawl into a ball and weep. I've never been strong enough for this, I've never been able to not be a pussy, things hurt me so bad, they hurt everyone I'm not under the illusion that nobody else is hurting, I know people feel way worse than me but how can they handle it, I can't, I've never been strong enough to handle my pain I've always let it swallow me because I csnt just lock in, I cant just do what needs to be done, every bit of pain I feel today is going to be amplified by physical pain. I sincerely want to be dead. I've said it before to be dramatic but I really don't want to draw breathe anymore, I've suffered long enough when will end, when will I have my light I've worked towards forever, when will it end,