Lonely
It's lonely once you can no longer morally justify giving your life to an abrahamic faith. It's probably even harder living in the west in a large diaspora Muslim community. You can't tell anyone. You still fast and pray and say the words. And I don't hate that bit. I kinda enjoy the discipline and ritual.
But it's been a lie for years now. And I'm a Man in his 40s. I've found it so lonely. The things which consume me I can't discuss with anyone.
Why is hell eternal. Why do you think the lottery of life is God's plan when it's just far from it. Why are these structures built to control by powerful men mostly.
But I'm kind of resigned to it now. I made this throw away as I'm kind of worried people might clock who I am.
It has already messed my marriage but we stay and work together to survive.
Just so bloody lonely.