I (M29) am considering leaving my girlfriend (F33) of just over a year because I am beginning to feel disinterested. What is the best way to go about this?
My girlfriend and I have been dating exclusively since last February, and only met a few months before that. We met online, and it was more of a casual thing for a few weeks before we both realized it was becoming more serious. For context, she has four kids of elementary school age and I have one who is still a toddler. She works night shifts, I work day shifts, and we live about 30 minutes away from each other.
I spent about 12 years in a relationship that wasn’t always the happiest with someone I didn’t really click that well with. My current girlfriend, however, is much cooler, has a better personality, is into a lot of the same things as me, has a similar sense of humor, etc. However, I feel as though I’ve been getting more and more disinterested in the relationship, and that makes me feel horrible and guilty. I do really love her, and I think she’s a good person, but more and more lately I’ve been feeling like this just isn’t the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. After some reflecting, I’ve come up with a few reasons why that could be.
With the difference in work schedules, her having four kids, and their father being the kind who does the bare minimum, I don’t get to see her that often. Typically once a week, maybe twice if we’re lucky. And that’s usually only for a few hours in the evening on a night she doesn’t work, or for a few hours in the morning on a weekend after she gets out of work before I have to go do errands, have other plans, have to get my child, or something else.
She can’t have any more kids. I would love to have more kids of my own. I like her kids, and I’m sure I could come to love them as my own, but I’d love for my child to grow up with another sibling who’s blood related. I also am fearful of how my child would feel if our families merged and they were the “outlier” in a family of 5 children.
Piggybacking off of merging our families, I feel as though we have wildly different parenting styles. I don’t consider myself a strict parent, but I believe my child, like any other, needs some sort of structure to grow to be a functioning member of society. I’m not harsh, I don’t yell (nor do I ever really plan to), I don’t spank or anything like that, but I also make clear that there are rules that need to be followed. My girlfriend, on the other hand, kinda lets her kids do whatever they want. And I don’t judge her for that; I cut her slack because she’s a single mother of four with little help from their father. But I don’t want my child to grow up around other kids who eat candy and cookies at 10pm and don’t have a bedtime and don’t really listen that well. Again, to each their own, but I’d want to raise my child a certain way and I don’t see how those two styles of parenting can be reconciled under the same roof.
Hopefully I’m not coming off as insensitive or anything like that. As I said, I do love her, I’m just not sure I’m IN love with her. We have a good time when we’re together, and there’s really no major issues, but I don’t know that I see her being the person I want to be with long term. That being said, I’m very passive and non-confrontational, which is probably why my last relationship lasted as long as it did. Am I rushing into the decision to breakup too quickly? If I’m not, what’s the best way to go about it without hurting her too bad? If I am, what’s my best course of action moving forward?
A couple other things I’d like to add:
There’s only one major red flag when it comes to her, and that’s the fact that I have NEVER been to her place. We’ve only ever been to mine. And there hasn’t really been a reason given for that. I’ve mentioned in passing a few times that I could come over, we could go to her house after a night of going out, blah blah blah. But there’s always been a reason why she doesn’t want to. So I’ve stopped asking.
It also feels complicated to breakup at this time because we are supposed to be going to a music festival for a few days next month. She’s been before and loves it, I never have gone, so she bought the tickets and everything to get me to go with her and I know it wasn’t cheap. I would feel terrible canceling on that so last minute. Also, she’s supposed to be coming with me to a wedding out of state in a couple of months as well, and we’ve already begun to plan that trip. But I also know those are just excuses, and there will never be a “perfect” time to do this.
Sorry this was so long, and I appreciate any and all advice.