Advice on mentality, attitude, et others ? Does it get less grim?
I have this huge mental block that I'm sure many other people lurking this sub also have, but I haven't yet happened to see any trans person articulate it (And it's not a particularly novel way to think and has definitely been expressed many times before, but truth be told I absolutely hate talking to other trans men most of the time, which I know is a failing on my part.), and it's that seeking any sort of passing advice without wanting to kill myself (for a lack of a better term) is incredibly difficult. I see a man that looks like he could be my uncle asking if he passes, the consensus in the comments is that he looks like a drag king, and me, who would rank as medium-clocky if you were to make a scale of this sub, sees that and thinks, "It's like, so over, isn't it?" (Is the real problem that I'm not as sensitive to what makes someone masculine vs what makes someone feminine?)
I'm two years on T, I'm not very happy with how my transition is going, and while I know there are some things I could be doing better, I find it hard to see it amounting to anything. If I were to post myself here, I know I'd get torn to shreds, so maybe the issue is really that I'm just a little sensitive. This isn't (entirely) to vent, but rather to ask how you guys got over this mental block. Am I ever going to get better? Do I just have to accept the possibility that I might always look at the very least a little "off" despite my best efforts?
Also, I would never post myself here anyways, since I don't like to post myself anywhere (I say it's for privacy reasons, but I know that all our faces have already been fed into AI models and that it's already over, so it's really just for dysphoria reasons), but sometimes I wonder if you can even get the full picture in a place like this anyways. There's several trans men I met where they pass more or less in photos, but their mannerisms and speech IRL gives them away, to me at least. The issue with me is that the pool of people I interact with on a day to day basis is very limited, and most of them are people who knew me as a child and still consistently misgender me as a result, and my few friends, all of whom will not give me actual commentary or advice. Getting new people in my life is difficult since I've become selectively mute, and I'm also pretty sure I'm slowly losing my mind. Is there a way I can force the little friends I have to be honest with me? I know some of them don't tell me anything because they have nothing nice to say but don't want to feel awkward telling me, but it's really important that they be honest. Should I emphasize how important it is for me? I think they care about me.
Also also: Does this post come off as feminine? Are my thoughts and way of expressing myself feminine, and if so, how can I change it? Would someone be able to clock me if I were complaining about a completely different neuroticism by the way that I write? I was told recently that my willingness to take accountability for harm I've committed points to past female-socialization and now I'm wondering if I just have it all wrong.